I saw this the other day in the paper. Other posters have noted the social ostracism/neglect from "friends". Amy takes a charitable view

[quote]Dear Amy:

A friend of mine died recently after a long battle with cancer. She had been a very social person until the last year of her life when she was too sick to get out much.

During her last year, many of her lifelong friends dropped her. I continued to call her several times a week, took her to the movies and shopping, and when she couldn't go out, I stopped by her home and brought her books or pastries that she liked.

She told me how lonely she was and asked that I call specific friends and ask them to visit her. Two friends increased their visits. All of the others said they wouldn't go to see her because it was too hard on them.

This makes me angry; after all, they are alive and well and knew that our friend wouldn't be with us much longer. Some of these "friends" had known her since childhood.

It might hurt me to see her dying, but think how much it must have hurt her to know that her friends wouldn't come to see her in her last months!

Morgan

Modern life has removed most of us so thoroughly from the real stuff of life that many people simply don't believe they can cope with being exposed to physical suffering and its attendant confusion and sadness.

They can cope with it, but they don't know it, and their anxiety gives them "cover" to stay away.

You sound like a good and constant friend. You might have helped some of your more reluctant friends to step up by bringing them along with you to show them how to have a good visit with someone who is ill.

Some people also cope better when given a specific job. Your friends who found this "too hard" might have been more comfortable providing a weekly meal or doing errands for your ill friend.
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Those people who believe "they can't cope" when exposed to physical suffering, may just be a little too immature to put aside their own comforts to spend a little time to attend to another's time of need. A friend of mine died last year and I treasure the daily visits I made to her hospital beds over a period of a couple of months (She was in three different hospitals). When it became obvious she would not be around much longer, I was so glad I had had the time with her to let her know how loved she was and how important she was to her family and friends. Rather than wait for someone to give suggestions for the things needed and appreciated, as a visitor, you could offer your own list of observations and ask if you can do them. For example, getting water, a snack, a book to read, game, doing laundry, playing scrabble, cleaning the reading glasses, etc. When my friend noticed I was knitting a scarf she admired it and mentioned her grand-daughter loved scarves - so I made her one so she could give it to her grand daughter. Sometimes, all she did was sleep while I was there and it comforted me just to know I was there in case she woke up and needed something. When she passed, the pain of losing a dear friend was soothed a little by the memories and tears and laughter we shared in those simple moments at the hospital. Life is short. Too short to even waste a moment that could be spent comforting a friend or relative. If you put it off, it may be too late. Do it now. Go give somebody a hug.

I have no use for selfish people like that to be a part of my life. The first time I went thru the horrors of being diagnosed with oral cancer, I found out fast who my friends really were. I learned the hard way who I could depend on and what family members ran away as fast as they could. Several people who I was close to promised me over and over that they would help me when I went thru radiation. When the time came they couldnt be bothered and had a million excuses. These same people would called me the day after I finished radiation and asked me if I was better yet and when I was going back to work. I was very hoarse and barely had a voice, but the END button worked very well on my phone. This may sound mean but to this day I can not bring myself to speak to the ones who abandoned me when I needed them the most. Even reading the post brings back those bad memories of my darkest days.

Having cancer changed me where I will be there ready to help my friends and relatives when they need me. I was never one to avoid a sick friend or relative but now I make a greater effort to be there even more. I will make a meal and take to a family where the mom is sick. I will go to the hospital to visit a sick friend even if they are only going to be there a couple days. It means alot to someone who is sick to see a friendly face instead of just doctors and nurses. How I wish everyone learned this lesson of kindness to those in need and saw what their actions meant to someone else. Avoiding a sick person is just plain old selfish.

Anne-Marie, I bet you are a great friend to have! You are right, never put things off cuz you never know how much time a person has. Thanks for posting this Charm.

I've heard this saying "I can't cope" so many times it's not funny. It just doesn't cut it as an excuse. When are people going to realise that every day they have with a person who is ill is a blessing and to make the most of it. Selfish people seem to always turn it around to be about them, like many of our so called supporters. If I hear this "I can't cope" again I will be telling them that it's not about them and to pull their head out of their butt and see and feel for someone else for a change. I for one "could not cope" if someone I loved suffered and passed away and I was not there for them in everyway I could be.

We constantly get let down by people who don't bother to see Steve. They even come to our town and are in no rush to get home and never seem to cover the fact from me that they have been close to our house but still have only set foot in our house once in 16 months. They just can't seem to find the way to our house for some reason. All because they can't cope. It's madness. But many, many times I've been there for them in the last 16 months at times they've needed me. For me, I'm a carer. I care about people and don't believe anyone should go through anything hard by themselves. So I do what I can to help make it easier for them. I was getting bitter at our treatment (and maybe sometimes I still am) but I'm determined not to let people like this change my caring nature. As for me, well I've spent every second of every day with Steve since he was diagnosed. For that I am forever grateful. It is their loss because they are missing out on an opportunity to learn and be inspired by this wonderful man.

Wendy,

You are amazing. I hope you know that. You and my wife are very much alike. That gal held me up by my bootstraps for over 2 years as people constantly let me down (still do but whatever) and chose not to visit, call, write...whatever.

I remember my mom going off on my sister for saying the same thing (I can't cope) when I was in the hospital after the surgery that took my face. She looked at my sister with the look that always made me cowar as a child and said "You will get your ass in there because he needs you...it's not about you!". My mom is cut from the same stuff you and my wife are...and as a patient, it means the world.

Let me thank you, as I thank them Wendy for doing what you do my dear...it's the hardest f****** job on the planet. Because of their example I do my best now to be that support to other local patients as I can, it's hard but knowing what it meant to me it's worth those emotions...it expands the heart.


Love you Wendy.

Eric

I had a VERY close family memeber of mine say "Neil is so lucky that you are his wife because I just couldn't handle being there every moment for my husband". I just pray her husband never has to go through such a long and brutal illness. I just don't know how people can think of their OWN comfort when someone they love is going through such hell. I had people ask how I could commute to the hospital everyday following his first surgery. How could I not? What could be more important than being there for someone who is gravely ill? I still just don't get people sometimes. I just hope that my children take a lesson from what we've been through and that they step up someday should the need arise.

Kids do what has been modeled for them. When my brother in law was dying, two of my sons were very small (the other wasn't yet born). They drew him pictures and made him cards to take to the hospital. Wanting to protect my sons from something frightening, my mother begged me not to take them in to see their uncle. But, knowing they wanted to see him and suspecting he wanted to see my sons, I got my brother in law's permission to bring them in. I explained to my little boys who were 4 and 7 that their Uncle Larry had some tubes and wires that were hooked to machines that helped him feel better. When they walked in the hospital room, Larry's face lit up. My boys were so special to him and it meant the world to him and to my boys to have that time to visit. My sons are 17 and 20 now. And, through this and other opportunities to learn compassion and caring, they have grown into remarkably strong and giving young men.

I think when children are growing up, they are often shielded from the unpleasantness and heartbreak of the difficult things that are going on around them. Parents think they are doing the best thing by protecting their children from life. But, really, it isn't preparing them for when they will be called on to support someone who loves them. I have always had the mindset that we aren't raising children, we are raising adults. Raise children you can be proud of, who can care for their family, and who are of service to those around them who are in need.

All of you have modeled caring for others in your own life and for those who visit this forum and beyond. You have given of yourself with grace and generosity. Somewhere out there, in either body or spirit, there are some extremely proud parents! Thank you for all that you do for me and for others!

Love,
Sandy

My oldest sister died of colon cancer in 2001 at the age of 54. My brother-in-law brought the family together to ask for help in taking care of her so he could keep her at home as long as possible. He was a city bus driver and had the early morning shift and he needed someone with her in the morning to get her to the bathroom, get breakfast, keep her company etc. She also had a blood clot in one of her legs and was bed ridden. Without a thought, I was the first one to raise my hand and I said "I'll take Fridays". My other 2 sisters faded into the background. They will NEVER know what they missed out on!! I had a year of Friday mornings with her that I will always treasure!! According to her, I was the only one that knew how to cook a soft boiled egg the way she liked it and the only one she would let shave her legs. When I was diagnosed, I KNEW I had the perfect role model and I knew that my other 2 sisters would not be there for me. I was right on both counts. She totally amazed me when she told me about her "upsides" of having cancer! And I have found my own "upsides" in the last year and a half!! You all are certainly on that list!!

Cathi

I read that "Dear Amy" a week or so ago and had the same experience myself. I made new friends, lost old ones and had some return when they realized that I wasn't going to die. Some of them weren't capable of confronting their own mortality and I had to forgive them for that. The ones that left - I'm not going to chase 'em down!

I was very fortunate that I had a very large extended family to begin with, being an active participant in a church music team and all of my musician community (I'm still friends with people that I performed with back in the 60's).

My wife was a very dedicated caregiver (and still is) and I'm a high maintenance person ;-)

Eric, I like the sound of your wife and mum (mom). They both sound like my kind of people. Also Eric, thanks for writing what you did. It put a smile on my face and helps to reassure me that I'm never alone with my feelings.

It never ceases to amaze me the bond I have with all of you. It's like nothing I have ever experienced in my life. It seems to me that all of us here on OCF are the kind of people that "can cope". Maybe that's why we were chosen to go through this experience. Most of the people I know would run a mile. But my job as Steve's wife is not only to protect his physical welfare but also his emotional welfare. He has had enough to battle what with treatment and recovery. It's my job to look after the rest.

Love to you too Eric xx