thank you!!! i am saying a lot of that lately and to so many! no matter the words, they are not efficient enough to express just how grateful i am to have found such caring people out there. to know i am not alone and to be able to get such wonderful advice and information is just amazing...

malka - thanks for posting and for your advice : )
hope this finds you doing well?
the whole mom thing has somehow seemed stressful to me but feel i should use my energy elsewhere. starting to think i may need her a lot more than i thought! plus, it never occured to me til the other day (in my new-found haze), that my hubby might really need her too. i did actually ask him (after i was crying how i would want to be alone - new found haze and depression mixed in) and instead of replying the way i thought he would, he said he wasn't sure? never expected that and i think for the first time since this started i realized, i am not the only one who needs some support (like you said). he may not be able to be strong enough for just everything and everybody (like the rest of us!) god knows he will be stressed and worried as well. so anyhow, even though my gut still is saying NO MOM, i think the big picture may have her in there after all. our little guys are hard enough already : ) please come back and talk again soon!!!

colleen - your list is AWESOME! keep it coming!
i think although we have never met - we have a lot in common in terms of our "thinking". i am very open myself and so far have not had a problem talking about it, of course, well, hasn't actually happened yet. i suppose, time will tell the aftermath. my husband so far has been wonderful and at every appointment. he will have a lot to handle for a bit but has always been thankfully great with the kids and the kitchen, so at least he won't be too shell-shocked. the only thing i guess freaking me out on the list is the aftermouth of my mouth. i can't help but think about it and even though i have seen photos on-line of course it is not the same. i am still mortified and dare i say disgusted. even though it will become a new part of my life and daily routine, i still cannot grasp it. i never even thought about him checking it for me, were there worries in the beginning? i did see here and there concerns about cleaning it right, infections and whatnot, was it hard for you? i am sure it had to take a lot to get used to. since you are farther down the line than i, how overwhelming was it and is it today? keep hoping it will be like all things unknown - you have to do it, so you do and get used to it. most of the time it isn't as awful as you imagine it, here is to hoping! i really loved your list, it was so wise, realistic and compassionate. thanks is NOT enough : ) don't worry about swarming me with info, i need all i can get to prepare and lucky you are out there to prepare me!!! marieka