Although I have been an active "lurker" on the forums, and have replied to quite a few postings, I haven't ever started my own post. I wasn't sure if I should post this under the recurrence topic but I think I am still hanging on to the hopes that maybe this is not a recurrence... but I just feel the need to get this all out and I am trying not to burden my family or friends with it at this point.

OK, so here goes. You can see by my signature that I was diagnosed with SCC of the tongue in April 2006, surgery at MD Anderson in May 2006, no radiation or chemo. Because of some markers found in my tumor tissue that indicated I had a 65% chance of recurrence, I am also involved in a clinical trial for prevention so I am seen every 3 months. (and believe me, between those visits my flashlight and I have become best friends - I've never looked in my mouth so much!) On my last visit, I told my Dr. that my neck had a strange "tight" feeling - didn't seem normal. He thought it was related to my neck dissection and wasn't concerned. He said everything looked fine.

The neck tightness didn't go away - in fact, got worse. By December it was feeling tighter, sometimes with a "burning" sensation. In view of what my dr. said, I thought it was probably related to the fact I was doing a lot of intense computer work. I thought it might get better during the holidays, when I wasn't at my computer 12 hours a day. It DID seem a little better over Christmas, but right after New Years I noticed a small lump which I think is a swollen lymph node. I've had an enlarged lymph node before - in fact last year around the holidays has both an ulcer on my tongue biopsied - benign! and an FNA in January of an enlarged lymph node - also benign. But now I am really panicking.. not sure why I just know it's not good.

Called my ENT here right after New Year's day - first appt they could give me even after begging to get in ASAP is tomorrow. In the meantime emailed my nurse at MD Anderson and let her know what was happening - I was already scheduled for my F/U on Jan 23 with the MO who's following me now. Based on my symptoms, am now scheduled for a CT scan on the 22 and to also see my surgeon on the 23rd. Depending on what my dr. here relays to the MDA docs, may have more tests.

I know from everything I've read here that "it's not cancer until the diagnosis says it is" - but I'm having a really hard time convincing myself of that. I can't sleep at night, and I can't concentrate on work during the day. I re-read the post Donna did about the Worry/Anxiety 10 Commandments - I know it's all so true, but I can't do a thing about it right now. Plus, I don't want to scare my husband to death about all the dark thoughts I am having so haven't shared much with him. Not told anyone else in my family yet... don't want to worry my daughter/sister/mother. Am going to ask my dr. tomorrow for something to help me sleep - that might make me feel better. The waiting is what REALLY gets to you... I just want to know what the facts are and then figure out how we can deal with it.... but of course, my mind jumps off into scenarios that I can't stop...

sorry to go on and on but just had to get some of this out of my mind and onto paper... it helps a little... I know many of you know what I am going through first hand...