I remember my first new normal when Rob had finished his treatment,and seemed at last to be on the road to recovery.It consisted mainly of feeling left out and useless as he gradually took over all the things that he had needed me to do for him for the previous 4 months,and being made to feel as if the whole thing was my fault.His frustration and resentment at the slow progress he was making caused no end of confrontations,and the lack of day to day contact with the hospital was almost like a bereavment,and left me feeling very isolated.
His determination to put his illness behind him and get back to eating and work,and his despair at the way his body kept letting him down every time he thought he was making progress, turned him into a completely different person and my new norm then was living with a stranger i couldnt reach.Not working and no money coming in,asking for help from the state,fear for our future financially, all conspired to make him feel totally ineffectual as a husband and provider

The loss of the marriage part of life is a new norm that no one who is used to that close personal contact,wants to accept,but it affects both the patient and the carer and while i longed to be held close and loved he wept for the loss of his perceived masculinity and avoided any situations that would emphasise how much he was no longer in control of so many different things in his life.

And our last new norm together was his time in the hospice,and was the best of all the new norms we adjusted to.

Now my new norm has to do with loss and regret and lonliness and realisation and the worst part of the whole thing is knowing i would gladly live with all the other new normals if he was just here for me to speak to and touch.

Life will never be normal again and as has been said before the new normal sucks big time.


Liz in the UK

Husband Robin aged 44 years Dx 8th Dec 2006 poorly differentiated SCC tongue with met to neck T1N2cM0 Surgery and Radiation.Finished TX April 2007
Recurrence June/07 died July 29th/07.

Never take your eye off the ball, it may just smack you in the mouth.