Hi Deb,

There's no good way to go through this, it does rip away any sense of security you have about the way life is. Both caregivers and patients suffer in different ways. Whether you live with the fear of losing your own life or the fear of being the one left behind to pick up the pieces without the love of your life - it pretty much all sucks.

You're hearing the perspectives of both patients and caregivers here and I hope that you are feeling the support that everyone is offering by sharing their own experiences at this stage. Vent away, this is the place for it.

I think we're all telling you that it really is time to do something for yourself. I understand how frustrating your situation is and seeing those unpacked boxes must feel like a raw exposed nerve every day. Neither one of you has had a chance to enjoy the new town or the new house. Talking to an objective person like a counselor may be the best way to sort out all these feelings and I agree with Nellie that you both need to fight for this relationship as hard as you did against the cancer. Also bear in mind that it's a BIG adjustment to go from patient/caregiver back to being a couple and that may be playing a part in this. Roles are all screwed up during the treatment phase and this is the part about finding your way back to a new normal. Things are never going to be the same for either one of you but that doesn't mean they have to be bad. Just try to do it together.

One day I got so fed up with the whole situation that I stormed out and went for a massage, something I very rarely do. I showed up at a spa and asked them what they had for stressed out nutjobs trying to keep it together. With a completely straight face the receptionist told me that was the caregivers special, recommended lavendar aromatherapy, and offered me a cup of herbal tea. That was the moment I discovered I was not the only one if they had a special package devoted to it. It was nice to be pampered and I realized that I was not really angry at Jack, I was missing the intimacy that we'd had before the cancer. I wanted our old lives back. When I got home all lavendared up I was able to express my feelings to him calmly. Use the "I feel" words and not the "You are or aren't", the conversations go much better.

Everyone does recover at different rates and it takes at least 4 weeks until anti-depressants kick in. He really may not be able to do more than sit on the couch after work right now but I'd still encourage him to try and ask him to let you in on how he is feeling. Is it fatigue, depression, fear, normal sadness? What's going on is important - because it is affecting both of you and threatening your relationship.

It's very positive that he's gone back to work so he's making progress. He's getting up, getting dressed, and getting out of the house. He may be having difficulty because he's having to keep it all together during the day and deal with people on his job that he also doesn't know all that well. Is he telling you how it's going at work? Is there a lot of stress there? Are you telling him how you feel and what you're afriad of? All of this is very complicated and very specific to each individual.

I have a good 25 year marriage but that doesn't mean we don't have our moments and get on each others nerves or that we approach everything the same way. Add cancer to that and you get the perfect situation for misunderstandings.

Keep posting and let us know how you're making out. Meanwhile go get a lavendar aromatherapy massage. I can personally recommend it. You will get through this part.

Regards JoAnne