Dave, I want you to know you are not alone.

I have not slept in so long I cannot remember. I usually get to sleep between 4am and 6am. I get up around 9am. Except on days like today where I went to sleep at 4 and got up at 6:45 to take Harry to the hospital for an outpatient procedure.

It is after 9pm and I am sitting in class. I will not get home until after 10pm and then I have to eat. Harry will be sleeping when I get home but I will be up most of the night.

I have so much on my mind, not the least of which are: my marriage is failing for reasons I cannot control and I cannot fix, my children have been gone since June 4th, my mind just refuses to let go sometimes, and other various small reasons.

I have made attempts at various ways to try to deal with my sleeplessness and none have been successful. I have tried pills, I fold origami, I play on the Net, study my school stuff, etc. etc.

The reality is that nothing really works so I have given up trying to fight it anymore. I drive a lot. I leave the house around midnight and I drive all over East Texas. I go to little towns and neat places that I have really never had time to see. I find peace out on the road and I can clear my mind. I also have time to organize my thoughts and I discover the beauty of what the darkness has to offer.

I take 35mm film pictures at night of things I see. It helps me to focus on finding good things, things that are beautiful.

I struggle everyday with my life, trying to find a way through and to be honest I am not always very good at it. I have tried other less brilliant ways of managing the pain but they always wear off and then I am stuck right back where I was when I started. Although there are times when the temporary escape is very necessary.

I have 2 friends that I can tell all of my secrets to and without them I fear that through all of this I would not be here now. I email them and talk to them on the phone and visit in person when I need it most. They are my grounding that keeps me from jumping off of the bridge.

The man that I live with and love so dearly has allowed himself to fall into the pit of dispair and he is so far down he cannot see me standing at the top. I feel like I live in a house painted black and I have to go elsewhere to find something to make me happy.

I don't know if he knows that I am not home in the night. I never asks and he has never said anything. I wish I could explain to him the journey I am on and that he would actually try to understand. But he can't because he cannot see beyond himself right now. Believe me, it is the saddest thing that has ever happened in my life. I cannot help him, I cannot make him happy, I cannot help him in anyway at all because he has shut me out.

He says he wants to be happy and that he loves me and he wants us to stay together, but when the moments occur when he needs to act his words he fails everytime.

It is wearing on me for sure.

You my friend are now an official member of the night owl club. You might be surprised how many of us there are out here. I have many friends and they all know that I never sleep so they call me whenever they want to.

I completely understand what you are going through, although you are the patient and I am the caregiver, we are both struggling with some issues that are not easy for anyone but are made worse by having our lives flipped upside down by this disease.

Hang in there! If I am still standing then anyone can make it. Trust me on this.

email me anytime you want to talk. I am always awake. :-)

Cindy