Helen,

I'm glad you got to vent, glad you couldn't "take it back." It has to come out sometime, otherwise it's in there banging around in your head and heart and causing all sorts of turmoil!! Trying to be strong all the time is hard.

I recently had a break-down on vacation. I had tried so hard to paste on the "I'm OK" smile because frankly, people can't often deal with the "real truth" of how you feel. They do want to "fix" things for you and sometimes there just (sadly) isn't a fix. I, too, am leaned on by so many. I was leaned on heavily by people during Scott's illness and after his death. My break-down on vacation came out because I just suddenly felt like it was too much to pretend to be "normal." I got so tired of being strong, being leaned on, having all the responsibility placed on me for so many things when the person whom I leaned on, (I finally had a person in my life I could lean on) is gone. What I need is Scott's arms around me, telling me things will be OK, making me feel safe and loved...but he's not here and yes, I had him for a time, and yes, I am healthy and my girls are healthy and financially we are going to be OK. But my beloved is gone and I feel like it's just me in the world (even though I know that is not the case).

Oh, see, I can ramble with the best of them. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I still feel like I am "living with cancer" because I now have a view of life and death that has changed me forever.

And for the record (lest someone think this thread has totally gotten off topic) every time I come to this thread or read a post by Gita, I can't help but be thankful she came to us here at OCF, that she is obviously a brilliant and thoughtful person, that she is an old soul (however young she may be), and that she and my Scott would no doubt have been best of friends. Her intellectualizing reminds me of Scott, and I appreciate that beyond what I can say.

So, thank you Gita, for giving us your perspective, your ideas. Thank you.

Christine