Helen, Glad you could let your guard down for a moment. I can tell you that I believe we are all afraid of what is or is about to happen to us. The unknown always scares us, us being humans, that is. Every treatment that has been done has scared me. Anytime a doctor comes near me with a sharp implement my heart rate goes up and my breathing quickens. Even when they were just going to remove my peg I was very freightened, and that was a piece of cake. The only way I have found to deal with the fear is to pray that God will be with me and help me and support me and pull me through the experience. That seems to alleviate the fear to a large degree. Once I admit that I am not in control and that a supreme being is in control, even to the point that he will answer my prayers and direct the doctors skills to be successful in the coming procedure, once that has occurred, I can relax and have faith in the outcome. This strategy may not work for everyone, but it sure has worked for me. Even during rad, I spent the entire 15-30 minutes on the table praying for support for me, the doctors skill, the destruction of the tumor, help for all of my fellow patients, and before I knew it, the procedure was over and I was back to it.

I also don't worry about other people asking me about the disease or constantly reminding me of it. I beat it and it is now time to get on with the rest of my life. Don't have time to sit in the soup and worry about it. If others ask me about it, I reply, and then move on. Who cares, after all, as the disease was defeated by a very competent medical team. And it is time to move on now. And it is my job, not theirs, to do what ever is needed to recover. It was their job to fix it, and it is my job to get back to as close to what I used to have and be as possible. Somehow, I don't think Lance Armstrong worried about other people making him better. He took it upon himself to get back his strength, skill, stamina, etc. I bet he also welcomes peoples comments about his disease as that is an opportunity to help with others feelings about the disease.

I also think the Lord may be directing me to help others through the experience of this disease. Perhaps that is why I am in the position I am in. Perhaps I am His tool. If that is the case, I just hope I can do a decent job.

Well, how did I get onto this soap box. Sorry. Helen, just hang in there as there is still work for you to do here. Your posts have always brightened my day and I thank you for that. Don't worry about the upcoming surgery, what will be will be. Worrying won't change anything and will just give you another gray hair. Will be praying for you and know you will be strong and back to us soon after your next opportunity to get better.