Mandi,
I am sorry you are facing such a difficult battle, but you will fight again. Try not to forget that we are humans, and sometimes as humans we make lousy decisions--also known as mistakes. Try to let go of feeling bad asking for help, hope or guidance. There is still hope, I would not give up on that, no matter how frightened or upset you may be. I would be honest with your children, it has helped me the most with my two girls, especially on days when I have been emotionally down or just feeling drained.
Good luck and let us know how YOU are.
Donna