Mom had missed her first treatment on Tue. As most of you know, I have been terribly worried of her weekness and falling down and wasn't pleased about her ultra sound of the neck area coming back inconclusive. Inspite of following ALL the instructions of taking care of her neck from rad tx her neck was getting past raw.

On Wed. for the IST TIME since this jounrney began(July) to be exact as far as diagnosis began. I wasn't with her to go to treatment due to having to be at my home (in another state) that day. Later that day, my Dad called to say she was admitted to the hospital. Due to his age 79 10 years ger senior, he awasn't quite clear of what exactly was the deciding factor of her being put in the hospital.

After speaking with the onc. staff on the ward, they said they were going to run multible tests to try and get some answers on the falling etc. and see where we were as far as how the the treatment was going.

I was back at the hospital 1st thing Thursday and waited to speek with the chemo doc. Radiation has stopped completly and the Erbitux trial also ended. In spite af all efforts, one node has disappeared but the main tumor has grown. He said she is too weak for any other chemo at this time but he would be willing to still try if and when she gets stronger but he didn't feel that there was much more they can do. In reality, we all know what this means.

I was able to take her home yesterday. She wasn't very dehydrated even tho they still gave her potassium. I am having an extreme hard time with this. I came back to my home after getting her settled in and fed via tube and explainuing how important to dad it was to keep her pain free.

I feel like I'm abandanding her and the guilt is becoming consuming. But I felt like Mom and Dad should have a little time alone even tho I don't feel like he can take proper care of her (not that he don't want to ...just can't).

I will be going back to her house either tonight or 1st thing in AM. I HAVE set up an appointment from someone from hospice to come to her home tomorrow for help ..again, I can't seem to get over this abandoned issue. I will still stay when I can and go there when I can but I just can't bare to continue to watch EVERY day as the inivediable approaches which seems ironic since I have been mainly living there since it all began.

I have tried to come to terms that I can't do this without, outside help, it still doensn't make it any easier.

What else can I do for Mom. She will konw something one minute, but not the next.

I hate to unload like this but if there is ANYTHING else I can do, I'm asking you, who have been one of my MAIN support groups through this for advice!! Is there any other services/agencies I should check into?

Sincerly,
Dee