Hello Rosie,
Thank you for your posts and more of all for being here and taking the time to listen to someone vent such as myself. As with you, Rosie, I to feel guilty for all the efforts I put forth in helping my father, cause if it hadn't been for me, he would have done nothing because thats what happens when you have no insurance and or money and when a doctor tells you that basically no one would touch him without insurance. Well needless to say I started with a letter to my congressman and even spoke with him on the phone, the i searched hospitals and programs and even did all the applications until finally one day I thought of a local doctor who was a friend of a friend (happened to be my fathers ex girlfriends college friend) and sat in his office until all patients left and begged him to help me and without a second thought he said to me that after everything and everyone i had talked with and just turned away that i needed a break and said to me that he hoped if he was sick like my father that one of his would go to the lengths I did for help without giving up until I got somewhere. Anyhow I feel guilty and angery with myself sometimes when I think how I encouraged my father not to give up when things were bad and told he repeatedly that we knew things would have to hit rock bottom before they got better and truly believed that he would but soon realized that would not be the case after watching someone I would have given anything for look like a total stranger. And so did he keep fighting. I even searched for the best cancer centers and made an appointment for moffit cancer center but no luck. So I ask myself did I do this to him? If I hadn't done anything would he have not suffered so much pain? Would he have atleast died with his pride and happy(with a beer and cig). All i feel I accomplished was him wasting away to nothing for no reason at all. He would brag to friends about how had it not been for me basically taking control of his life he wouldn't been alive to walk me down the aisle. Well guess what he didn't make it for that either and now i feel that my most special day will be the saddest for me. My father like to talk in riddles and make you think, thats why before he died he told only my fiance that he knew he wouldn't be here when we married but buried something for me and he was to get on our wedding day. Well my fiance told me this after my father died and i couldn't wait til i got married so 2 months ago my fiance went on a treasure hunt and found my letter and alittle money he saved for me. You probably think why did he bury it? Well he liked games and he knew he couldn't trust his wife, I tell his friends and they are just amazed how just like him it was to bury something. We were shocked that when it was dug up that it wasn't in a beer can with a treasure map leading us somewhere else (HA HA) But that wounldn't have surprised me.
My father was a swordfisherman and if anyone ever saw the perfect strom, George Clooney in that film looks almost identical to my father before he was sick and even owned the same hat George wore in the film how weird huh?
As for a support group I don't think it would help what does help is when I get a phone call from the ENT asking me to share my knowledge and research with his new patients and when they call it makes me feel good when I can give them a heads up on what to expect and what to prepare for such as finding the right lip ointment (god i must have spent a fortune until finding the right one) or little things like knowing what medicines medicaid will pay for or how to have the perscription written in order for it to be covered. (Zyban is not covered but if the doctor writes Zyban but substitute Wellbutrin if needed it will be covered) Boy I shocked the doctor when I told him how to write it, but you see he already knew and thats what aggrivated me because if you didn't know exactly what to ask or the right way to ask they don't tell you.
I'm sorry I am just rampling on and on. I do thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to listen to my sob story.

Goodnight,
Kelly