Hi Rosie,
I can't even describe how touched I was by your post. As a mother I can only imagine how you feel. One thing I am extremely grateful for is that my children are healthy. All my fears from having cancer center around my children, how it makes them feel and how they will feel if they lose me when they are still so young. I find myself having unreasonable anger also. I have a girlfriend whose mother in law lives with her, she is 94 and the only medications she takes is a nasal spray each morning. She is very healthy but her mind has gone a bit so she has trouble remembering who everyone is and gets confused. I used to love seeing her but now all I feel is anger over her. Anger that this would happen to me and threaten my life at 42 rather then a woman who has lived a full life and enjoyed raising her children and watching her grandchildren grow. I haven't shared this with my girlfriend as I don't know that she would understand it all. I get angry when we are at school functions and I watch my children with all the other kids and I wonder why it has to be my kids that are the only ones in that room that are at risk of being motherless. What did they do to deserve this in their lives. All those thoughts go through my head, many times each day. I assume it's part of the grieving process, as I can attest to the fact that as a patient we certainly do grieve. I feel so HOMESICK at times, that's the only way I can describe it. I miss my ordinary life, when death just wasn't a part of it at all and I just knew I would be that 80 year old running around like I was only 60! That's how all the women in my family are and I always assumed it's how I would be too. To have to shift my way of thinking midstream at the age of 41 is tough and some days just impossible. I have days where I make myself believe that the doctors were wrong, that I didn't have cancer because I feel so good right now, physically. Then I have days where I am convinced that my 9 year old will lose her mother soon, but, thank God, I have learned how to control these days better. Again, I believe it's all part of the process and that I will be stronger for having dealt with it rather then try to fight it.
I have read all your old posts Rosie. You did what you believed was right and you always had Heather's best interests in mind. I think of Heather many times, I use her experience to make me stop my pity party. When you posted a picture of her and her daughter on here she became a real person to me, someone that I almost felt like I knew. I would certainly want you on my side in any type of fight! So, I won't tell you to stop feeling the way you do, it must be a normal part of the process or you wouldn't feel that way. So much time is wasted denying feelings in our society! I hope Heather's daughter is doing well, let us know how she is.
Take care,
Minnie