Kelly,

I feel so bad that you have to deal with such a horrible woman. Hopefully, you won't have to see her anymore and can get on with your life. As for the anger, a support group might help, but I think it is normal to still be angry. I am still very angry at losing my daughter last October. I also feel guilty that she had to endure so much pain from treatments that didn't work anyway. I feel angry with myself, with the drs., with god....I guess I am angry at just about everyone. I come here to the forum to try to help others, but find myself unable to post very often because I am somewhat angry at those here who have survived. Which of course makes no sense because their survival has nothing to do with my daughter's demise. But it just doesn't seem fair and I can't help feeling a little angry even though I know it is ridiculous to feel that way.

I especially feel guilty because I consider myself an intelligent person, but I didn't have the sense to take Heather to Johns Hopkins or Sloan Kettering in the beginning. I feel guilty because she had so much pain from the spinal tumor and I was the one who questioned the wisdom of having surgery on her spine first instead of having chemo first. She should have had the surgery first and might have if I had kept my mouth shut. I feel guilty and angry with myself because near the end, I found myself wishing for a quick end to Heather's suffering. Until someone actually has to face it, they can never understand the agony of wanting a loved one to die to relieve their suffering, and at the same time, wanting them to live because you can't bear to lose them, even though living just means more agony for them.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ramble. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It is normal to still feel angry. It takes time to heal. The feelings of anger and guilt will diminish. What you will be left with is the knowledge that you are a loving daughter who did everything you could to help your dad.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie