Hello All,

Hope all is well with everyone, its been a very long time since i visited this site and yet so much has happened. A Brief run down would be my father and best friend was 52 and diagnosed with squamous cell of the tongue stage II ( supposedly) any ways after fighting to get him medical help i finally did and he received 85 radation treatment above the neck and chemo treatment weekly on would spend weeks in the hospital receiving around the clock chemo. He lost alot of weight and no one would listen to his complanints or mine until finally they put a peg in when he weighed 100 lbs. Okay then we go for testing after all treatments and guess what its in another place they tell us (This happened to be on my 30th Birthday) but suggest that a PET scan be done but medicaid wouldn't pay for the test so i research and get him into moffit reseach cancer center, this is after i planned a benefit and raised money for him to pay living expenses and funeral arrangements come to find out. Anyhow my father last went into the hospital in July and a doctor told him it was useless to go home and die, oh my how furious i was, you see he was a fighter and didn't want to give up so the called hospice and he didn't quite grasp what they really were. He assumption was they maybe could find him doctors else where and provide better meds, and let me also say my father was married to the worst person I've ever met in my life. He was getting morphine shots in his arms every 4 hrs and still painting his house laying carpet in my house and climbing on roofs 4 days before he died but that happened when the wife told hospice she could not sleep and couldn't deal with everything that they needed to do continuious morphine, and as soon as they did boy did he go down hill quick. I was there every moment of those last few days and i felt as though i was dying with him. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. Then to make matters worse he wanted no funeral or viewing he was a commercial fisherman all he wanted was to be spread out to sea on a boat he fished and to say your final fairwells with your beverage of choice ( his was beer). But that didn't happen, she left his ashes at the funeral home for 2 months(boo hoo she couldn't handle it) and then spread his ashes off our local bridge in the intercoastal with her new boyfriend without me. Now he hasn't even been dead 3 months and she moved him in my fathers house 1-1/2 ago before she even allowed for his ashes to be picked up. I telling this lady will one day get what she deserves. The day he died and the very last breath he took I held his hand and gave him one last hug and took his favorite hat (It was a Boston hat) which thats what his nick name was and i left i couldn't bear the thought of her letting drunk people coming and going out of his trailer (she put the bed right in the front door) Basically for 4 days on his patio people partied and waited like vultures for him to take that last breath and when he did she called everyone to come(agianst his wishes) he wanted people to remember him the way he was, then they preceded to start cleaning out his shed of all his tools. I telling you it took alot of strength on my part to not kicking her ass right there (sorry) but I didn't because in the long run she will get what she deserves and then maybe my closure can begin

I am very sorry for the rampling but I really have not been able to grieve or morn his death and certainly have not gotten closure.

I put so much effort and time into getting my father help, treatments, to doctors, to other hosptials across state under the impression that everything would be okay. And it wasn't. I feel alot of guilt for the help i got because it was terrible to see him go to a healthly 51 year good looking man to someone who looked 91 and weighed 80 lbs at the time of death. All together this process was a 1 1/2. I feel sometimes he suffered so much because of the treatments and if he hadn't done them yes he might of died sooner but atleast he could of enjoyed a few more meals and a beer. Which of course he had not had anything by mouth for a long time. All he could think about was when everything was done how he would be able to get a new set of dentures (because they pulled all of his teeth.)

Agian I am sorry for writing so much I guess Im just venting, I had no one to go through this with and this was my first experience with death. I do know I need to receive counseling, because I get really frustated with my mother who says I can talk to her anytime and then turns around and tells me its over with and get on with my life, and shes not the only one whose made that comment. My reply to her was well shes 51 and still has both of her parents (my grandparents) so she has no idea what feeling and emotions i have.

I had better stop typing now otherwise you will think Im all crazy, but I just needed to vent.

Thanks for listening and if you know of any support groups i could try please let me know. I know I need some form of help.