He goes from why did he get to live to he's going to die soon anyway. He has black and white thinking most of the time on everything. there is no in between choices or thoughts, just extremes.

I"m not sure why he hides things. I haven't said a word about it since he finished treatment and I warned him of the consequences of going back to drinking and tobacco. I have not said one word since. He is very adamant that no one is going to tell him what to do, etc.

He rarely drank until the year before his cancer diagnosis. His step father is an alcoholic and he just stayed away from drinking except on an occasional camping trip or things like that. I never said anything back then either but found it odd as he was so not a drinker.

He says he is miserable and is expecting me to fix that. He refuses to go to counseling. I can't help him, I now know the issues are not about me. They existed long before I met him. He drove for hours a few weeks ago to buy another dog though I did not want a dog. Dogs and alcohol solve life's problems I guess. He's constantly simmering, angry, but it was this way before cancer. nothing new here.


The bottom line from my years with him are this: no one is going to tell him what to do. not doctors, not medical websites, etc. He desires instant gratification and alcohol must do that for him? I'm not sure. He did not go back on his anti depressants after treatment. He has been on those for decades. I'm not sure if they helped or not honestly.

I'm listening to perspectives from each of you. It's taken me years to really believe I am NOT the problem as I am blamed. I'm not perfect but I'm not the root of all evil! He isolates himself, lays in bed to eat, watches tv if he is not at work or mowing lawns for a side business. All like before cancer. The selfish part of me doesn't want to have to go thru all that treatment, and loss of normal life again so watching all the beer cans disappear from those cartons stresses me.

thanks so much for listening and the input. I do read and contemplate what each of you write. I have not walked his journey so it's hard for me to make sense of some things though most of the issues were around long before cancer, we just have new ones to sort through.

I will add that he does not believe his life style choices caused the cancer so he has probably convinced himself that drinking is not an issue.