Hi Estelle:
I know where you are coming from. My darkest hour would always be just as I got into bed and before falling asleep. It only took one or two times thinking that way to realize, if you let this continue you may not go to sleep tonight at all.

Fortunately, for me when I go to bed I'm pretty tired already, so the easiest thing for me to do was to just say I'll worry about this tomorrow. Only when tomorrow came, I didn't worry about it. After that, it never came back at bed time again; and for some reason (maybe I stayed pretty busy during the day) it never returned during the day either.

One other thing that helped me a lot was getting to know Bart on this forum. He has had more recurrences than most of us have fingers, yet he's survived them all and maintained a positive attitude AND been willing to share it with others. He has an interesting philosophy about life that comes from Buddhism (I think). My thinking has always leaned that way anyway, he just clarified it enough for it to become a dominant way of thinking. Look him up and read about him on the forum. If you send him a PM and introduce yourself I imagine he will teach it to you too.

You've done fine so far on your journey. Even if this new thing is a recurrence it's just a little detour along your path and you will do fine with it too. We will all be here with you every step of the way.

take care,
Tony