Steve

I think it's difficult for those who have not had the cancer come back more than once to truly understand the feelings of despair that all of us in the recurrence club experience at one time or another. One reason I recommended Cyberknife earlier to you was that it packs so much radiation wallop into each session that the normal duration is only one week. 31 treatments would test the resolve of anyone the third time around. But like they used to say: in for a nickel, in for a dime.
Of course you do not want to lose your swallowing ability but it is preferable to losing your life? It's not like you will ever be able to eat normally again anyway, is it? While the radiation is affecting your swallowing, if you stop, the cancer will keep growing and you still will lose your ability to swallow. So you don't really achieve your goal, as the life you miss so much is gone forever already. That train has left the station. What's left is the local train thru Hell.
I'm not going to give you any rah rah speech about never giving up etc, it's likely you will get plenty of those from friends, family or some posters. Instead let me ask you to ask yourself a few questions.
When you post that you are disappointed in yourself, that tells me that you know what you should be doing here. Or else why would you be disappointed?
Are you going to disappoint your family too?
I've been waking up after sleepless nights and choking on mucous and not being able to breathe and feeling just like the Zombies on the Walking Dead (and moving just about as fast) for over two months now after my third round of TX and let me tell you how disappointed I am in my quality of life.
I was planning on buying an inflatable Grinch and putting it up instead of the Christmas tree this year with a big: BAH Humbug sign. Instead my wife convinced me to put up the tree and all the lights and decorations. Now I'm glad I did.
Only you can decide when enough is enough, but don't be too hasty here. You can always pack it in if there is a 4th time but if you quit now, then all this chemo and radiation was in vain, as well as all your pain. You should have gotten the feeding tube by now, are you putting any wine down it yet?
If not, why not? After we put up the tree, I poured a glass of wine for my wife, then myself, and we toasted. We have a regular happy hour. Look around you to see how "normal' people are enjoying this holiday: with a glass of wine. You can partake of that normal life even if you can't swallow.
But I do not know your personal circumstances and who depends on you or how much love and support you get. I do know that if I did not have my wife and son, I would not have not agreed to the salvage surgery treatment which took away forever my swallowing and left me speech impaired. It's not like I do not understand how important swallowing is, so while I do not agree with your decision and hope you change your mind, I do understand how and why you could make it. I do hope that maybe those first 16 were enough so it all works out well for you.
Charm