Up to his point you've been running on adrenaline, you're through the worst of it and want to get back to the best normal possible. This is a reminder... Of all that you went through. Try not to punish yourself for this - sometimes in the moment we do what we have to to get through... It may be something you've never fathomed doing or would normally be repulsed by. Do talk to someone... It will help you deal with it - hugs! We all have our scars - even the caregivers.