Hi,
A little background first. I introduced myself on the relevant thread yesterday. My husband, Eric, had half his palate removed, 4 upper teeth and cheek pads, plus all the lymph nodes on that side, Nov 2010. Dealing with it was something I took in my stride - determined to see him through surgery, then Radiation (Mid Jan - Mar 2011) and now through rehab.

I went to every appointment with him. I saw the wound. I helped him learn to remove the obturator to clean it and the wound. It didn't bother me. Right through radiotherapy I was there, encouraging and supporting him. His wound was checked daily, so that any burns could be managed properly - so seeing and hearing him without it was something I dealt with.

What's changed? I wish I knew. We used to be a couple who could stand side-by-side brushing teeth, etc, each day. That's gone. I can't bear to see the obturator, soaking in its little dish. I can't bear hearing his voice, altered by the hole in his head. In fact, both things now make me vomit. I gag at the sound of his voice without it - and if I happen to walk into the bathroom and the obturator is sitting in its 'bath', I throw up. I can't stop myself.

Has anyone else had this happen? To me it's totally illogical - why feel this way when (to our knowledge at the moment) the worst is behind us? Why not react in this way when it was all fresh, all new, all raw? Where has my coping mechanism gone? How do you deal with this if you feel the same? I still feel guilty for the repulsion it makes me manifest - it's a really unwelcome reaction and one I need to get past.

Life will never be the same, I know that - cancer has taken care of that - but I'd be a lot happier if I could put this obstacle behind me and not be hampered by it. Is it becoming a phobia? Or is what I'm feeling a 'normal' part of rehab (for me, as the carer)?

Thanks.
Liz