Thanks guys. I know how supportive this board can be......it was there for me when I first found it, shortly after finishing radiation in the summer of 2003. I also remember how it would upset me and SCARE me when I would read that someone four or five years out was facing this cancer again. I don't want to make anyone on the board feel that way.

I've learned alot about myself the past couple of weeks. First being that I'm stubborn and won't listen to anyone. Second, that I'm a much better caregiver and supporter than I am a patient or a "supportee", if that's even a word. I detest being weak and that's exactly what I am right now, pure weakness. Full of fear about my families future. If I don't beat this thing, all I have to do is die. My husband and girls will have to learn to live without me and that horrifies me, keeps me up at night. I just wish this wasn't such a strain on so many other people.........why can't I be a 46 year old spinster that only has a cat that will be sad if something happens to her!!! It's overwhelming to me right now, we had all just started to dare to feel safe and now I see the tension and worry right back in all of their eyes. And it leaves me not knowing which way to turn, what to do, all of that. Do I make plans in case I do die from this in the near future? Or do I go on as if I'm some kind of wonder woman whose invicible? Just the thought of one of the girls marrying and giving birth........and feeling sad that I'm not there makes me feel weighted down, spins my head around at times. There, I unloaded a bit. So much to think about, but my husband has finally pounded it into my head that I need to just think of me, get strong, and take it a day at a time. My older girls tell me the same thing.........the younger three are great, but they are still young and still need so much from mom but won't come to me for anything bless their hearts.
My mouth feels better, although I still can't eat but I AM talking pretty well, can even talk on the phone and be easily understood. I'm happy for that. My three year old grandaughter, Mia, comes in the door whenever she arrives hollering "Nana, can ya still talk today?" That does make me laugh, she's such a character. I would choose good speech over being able to eat any day to be honest. My girls are TALKERS! The even talked about skipping Thanksgiving because of me.......I took care of that very quickly today. I LOVE the holiday's, we all do and always have, no skipping one in this house. So, we will eat tons of food on Turkey day and then we're all going to see Fred Clause at the movies.

Thanks for listening everyone. I WILL get it together and figure all of this out.
Love,
Minnie