Hi Anne

Substitute the name Alex for Gordon and you are telling my story. It is frustrating when you know this dependent and recalcitrant child used to be your intelligent and respected equal. Why does he have his head in the sand when the consequence is death or permanent loss of function? Does he have a death wish? Are you wasting your time trying to keep him alive? Do you have the energy to see this through? Will you even be able to keep the resentment at bay and keep loving him? All these questions I have asked myself and in my weak moments repeated them to him -usually at screaming pitch.

Gary is right - none of the nagging and threats help him but then this thread is about you not your husband. How do YOU cope with his apparently self destructive behaviour? I don't know the answer, but I suspect it is exactly what you are doing by getting help for yourself (drugs, time out, counselling, keep a journal, vent here etc).

However, Gary has another very important point that I wished I had realisd earlier in my own battles with my tantrum throwing , petulant, self destructive man/child - your husband is trying to re-assert himself and take some control back. This was explained to me when my Alex apparently embarked upon a suicide mission to starve himself to death. With his entire life in shreds, his future on hold, his earning capacity (and therefore his sense of worth) at zero and others dictating his every move, this was the only thing he could control. With me nagging at him daily about his nutrition, his only option for taking control was to refuse to eat. And he did. Down to 48kgs (105lbs). He is still horribly underweight and still PEG dependent but I have stopped nagging and vent to others when I need to. Suprisingly, since making the decision to stop commenting on his diet, I have found it less stressful myself. However, I NEVER allow him to lie to himself either and correct comments such as "I can't swallow" to "No, you CAN swallow, you CHOOSE not to". He forfeits the right to complain about how boring his diet is as a consequence of his choice, but at least he has control.

Sounds like your Gordon is doing the same - not necessarily the best choice to make but not a deal breaker either. Completely off the subject, late night internet interaction is not peculiar to your husband, - my mother has been an internet/computer game widow for the last 20 years and in my own relationship, it is me sitting up at 2am typing madly on OCF website whilst Alex, the cat and his feeding pump all burble quietly in the background