Stephany,

I'm glad your mom finally got a PEG, just sorry it was under these circumstances. The next thing that must be done is to get her pain under control. Please make sure the doctors address this ASAP. I'm assuming she will be in the hospital awhile? Hopefully at least a few days so they can get the pain under control and get some nourishment in her.

You asked about the possibility of your mom's airway getting blocked. If you meant blocked by the growth of a tumor, yes it is possible. Or at least it can feel that way. Heather had a tracheotomy done when they did the biopsy to confirm her recurrence. She had been feeling like she couldn't breathe right for a couple weeks previously, so the surgeon left the trach tube in. He never actually said that the tumor could block her throat, but it was implied.

You asked whether this could just be an infection and your mom could still fight this. I'm afraid even the doctors probably can't answer that for sure and I'm cetainly no medical professional, but I don't think it sounds like it is only an infection. From your mom's condition, I think the CT results are correct and there is a recurrence. I'm sorry if that sounds cold, but I have been following your posts for quite awhile now and I see so many similarities to Heather's case that I just want to cry. I would never tell you to give up, but I think the reality is that your mom will not survive this. As long as she is strong enough to receive chemo or something like Iressa, she may have some relief from her symptoms and have a short reprieve, but at this point, chemo would probably be mainly a palliative measure. It can prolong her life some if it can shrink the tumors, but it will be hard for her to continue it if she doesn't get in better shape. Chemo can be really hard on the body and a person can only stand so much of it.

As fas as not crying in front of your mom, I totally understand. I tried not to cry in front of
Heather or even in front of the rest of the family. In retrospect, I should have let myself cry in front of them, at least once in awhile. I think the time has come for you to share your grief with your mom. As you said, she must know that this situation pains you and it might be healing for you both if you acknowledged your fear of this together. If there is a recurrence, the time may soon come when you have to discuss end-of-life issues. It may be well that you get your feelings in the open now and get past that first hurdle. It is never easy to admit that your loved ones are mortal and the thought of losing them is a pain no one should ever have to bear, but unfortunately that is part of the reality of this life of ours. I know I have thrown a lot at you and you may well want to slug me for saying it, but you should at least consider the possibility that medicine has done all that it can for your mom. I am sorry to be the one to say these things. I truly hope I am wrong and there is no recurrence and you and your mom have many years together.

Rosie