Kind of had a break down this morning. Im not normally the type to get angry or yell but this morning it all came to a boil and unfortunately my mom caught the brunt of it and I don't know what to do.
I feel guilty because it felt good. It feels like I just exercised and have calming endorphins running thru my body.
It was the dentist that finally made me snap. I had to go to the dentist to get checked out because I won't be able to have dental work done for 18 months after I complete radiation. I wasn't expecting anything and once again was shocked beyond belief. I had 12 cavities in between my teeth and had to have them all filled in the matter of 2 days. And the dentist kept referring to radiation side effects as if they were items on a grocery list. Like losing my taste for a while was totally fine and ok and she kept insisting I'd have no spit ever again even though I told her multiple times the Oncologist said I would have spit. And it was like she, albeit not maliciously or knowingly, kept taking my last shred of hope and throwing out the window.
And this morning I just raged like a wounded beast. I didn't realize how angry I was and how scares I am and how sad I am and how hard I've been suppressing everything so I can carry on. But it all came out. And I doubt seriously that my mother will be speaking to me again or coming with me to further appointments.
I just want to disappear. Some days I get up and wonder what I am fighting for. I'll be left with the shards and pieces of the life I had and will be forced to pick away at the normal everyday creature comforts until I become a slave to my mouth. And I can't honestly say this is the life I want. How much more can I take? How many mOre simple things can be ripped away before I just give up. And how long before people stop wanting to play with the broken doll I've become?