My mother was diagnosed with mouth cancer in Sept. 08. They decided to do radiation and chemo. Here is my situation. She has pretty much refused to take care of herself. She started all this at 90lbs and is now down to 77lbs and two days ago they placed a feeding tube. They also had to stop all treatments because of her low white blood cell count. She started staying with me a few days ago so I can get her to the doctor/clinic, etc. My mother was an alcoholic before all this and continues to drink now, she went from beer to now drinking hard liquor. And she is back to smoking, in my house. I am a non-smoker and it really bothers me. Yet she is too weak to walk outside, etc.
She was the type of person to always be early to appointments, etc. always on my case because I was late. Now we NEVER get to her appointments on time, for one reason or another caused by her. I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?? Any one else dealing with this? I feel like I can't really say anything to her about these things because then I get the "I am going through a lot right now" speech. I am thinking about maybe talking to the social worker at her clinic. Thanks in advance for any advise.

Sharonb

I would definitely seek advice from a social worker asap and if the social worker is unable to help you with your particular situation they will certainly refer you to someone who will be able to.

You are doing such a wonderful thing by trying to help your mum and take care of her but it sounds like she may need some professional help to make her realise that, and also how her drinking and smoking is just going to destroy her chances of making any headway with this disease.

Thinking of you

Karen

Have you discussed this with her doctors IN FRONT OF HER AND THEM? I would also prepare the doctors in advance for this discussion and make sure they tell her bluntly that she will die (and in a short time) if she doesn't stop smoking and drinking. If that doesn't work then she might as well stop the Tx and save the time for someone that really cares about living. Sorry maybe a little harsh. Maybe some addiction counseling might help but something must be done before it's just too late.

To get to appointments on time, tell here they are earlier than they are so you start getting ready sooner.

This may be also mean but if she is staying in your house and you disapprove of her smoking and if she is too weak to go out, then I wonder what she would do if you hid the cigarettes or just plain refused to give them to her. Being firm yet supportive (actually it is what my family still has to do for me when I want a cigarette and I still really do) stating you do not want those toxins in your home and if she wants one she has to earn it. It might be a way to bribe her to say eat or get to an appointment on time. Dealing with elderly people sometimes they have reverted and need direction. Smoking or any addiction for that matter can be a great motivator. To me it sounds like she has lost the fight before it started. Addictions are very difficult to deal with under the best of circumstances. I would consult the doctors in front of her as a last resort as she may feel being ganged up on. She is probably already in a fragile state as you are and probably feel you are walking on egg shells. Getting her defensive will not help but maybe talking to the doctors on the side and get them to be blunt with her maybe even find some really good graphic pictures to show her and may help. All I know is that continue to talk to people here and you will get a lot of advice and experience. It is ultimately your call but I do know how hard it is to live with someone who seems not to want to help themselves. But that doesn't mean they don't want the help. From my experience it is a type of depression due to addictions and fear. I also think you are on the right track to talk with social workers as they have experience and the connections to possibly direct you better. Plus they have the advantage of being right there...

Don't forget we are here too for you. There are a lot of amazing care givers with a lot of experience among them received from personal experience with this battle.

Take care Sharon and god bless

I can't help but feel sorry for your Mom.

I would think she needs as much help dealing with her additions as she needs dealing with her cancer treatments.

With many reported OC cases found in heavy smokers and drinkers, I would imagine the Cancer Center where she is being treated has had do deal with this many times before.

I know where I was treated they have cessation programs and support. Fortunately I never needed to find out any of the details

Please ask for help at your Cancer Center.

Sharon,

Where we all have to battle the cancer, it seems to me that your Mom has chosen instead to battle the fact that she has it. She may admit outwardly that she has cancer, but I think that maybe she's refusing to "give in" to it - refusing to acknowledge it. The alcohol helps her to "forget" or "not care" and stay in this complete state of denial, or maybe better said, refusal.

I think that it's imperative that somehow someone get your Mom to change the target of her battle to the cancer itself rather than the fact that she has it. I also think that it's not something easily done. You probably need to get her professional help if that's possible. I don't know if the doctors or the social workers would be the best bet. I think I'd try them both. If they don't know, they might know who else you can turn to.

I send you all my best. I know this is hard. I didn't see if you've said - may I ask how old she is?

Lani

Sharon- My husband was a heavy drinker before his surgery. As a result he had the DT's immediately following the surgery and had to be put on Librium to help with them. He also had to be tied down with soft restraints to stop him from doing any damage will in the midst of the shakes. All this when he was in the SICU. Along with all the sedatives-he was a mess. He doesn't remember any of it but I sure do. Maybe your mom needs to know how much this hurts you and hinders her recovery. I'm sure it will fall on deaf ears but it's worth a try. It really stinks that addicts cause so much pain to those who love them.

Sue

So let me ask some dumb questions. Why'd she switch from beer to hard liquor? Is it because they is no beer in the house? Where is she getting the hard liquor? Is she ordering it from the liquor store or raiding your in house supply? Likewise with the cigarretes. If she can't go out, how is she getting these? You might be able to slow her down by turning off the supply chain, but a true alcoholic will still find ways to get it so need to alcohol proof the entire house, like throw out the hair sprays, tabasco, mouth washes and I forget all what else. You can probably get the list from AA.

You don't state how many radiation treatments she has had, but after about two weeks it should hurt too much to smoke or drink anything harder than beer. She also may not be able to swallow so she will be putting it down the PEG tube. Not good. She could OD on it so I'd get all the hard stuff out of the house. Watch out because she may have caches of this stuff hidden once she figures out what you are up to.

You need to update your profile to include her diagnosis and treatment. Go to MY STUFF up to top and PROFILE, fill in the info in the signature section and remember to click SAVE or UPDATE on the way out.

Take care,
Eileen

Eileen,

You've been here long enough to know that there have been people that have smoked and drank the entire time during Tx. Unfortunately they aren't alive to tell us about it. I still can't get the pictures out of my mind of the posts by their spouses describing their loved ones smoking in hospice with the cigarette filter so saturated with blood from their bleeding lips that they couldn't draw the smoke.