I am so angry today. I can't control my tears and emotion. I miss my husband and I am growing frustrated with "chemoMan". Sometimes Craig shines thru his extreme fatigue but it is so rare. Everyday I wake up hoping to see him as himself to be disappointed most days. We started this road 12/07 and things just wont get better. i fear that they have missed someting, that they arent telling me something, that they are holding back some horrible news. i went to a doctor to get something to help me cope but he acted like I was looking for drugs. Geezz...I have a pharmacy in my house and he wanted to treat me like an abuser. I am too busy taking care of him and trying to keep my job....I don't have time to be taking care of myself. The bills are heavy on my shoulders and I wonder if the my grown kids really grasp the pressure cooker I am living in. Probably my fault because I live on the fringe of knowledge so they dont have too. But even that is making me mad. Our friends leave me out and concentrate on his illness but not the situation I leave everyday. They call and check on him make promises and then fail to follow thru and leave me to pick up the pieces. I didnt want this to be all about me but damn it "I WANT MY HUSBAND BACI NOW"

cray

Cray- I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. Believe me, I understand. First off you need to find a doctor to help you. Just because one is an insensitve butt head don't give up. Can you call a local Hospice Center? Even if you are not at that point in your husband's care they may be able to refer you to a doctor who can help and they may have financial services available. You MUST take care of yourself. I know it's difficult to do that sometimes but you are an important part of his recovery and you can't do it if you are run down. Why not talk to your children and let them help? Maybe they feel left out especially if you are trying to be wonder woman. Is your husband on chemo long term? Some chemo doesn't have as horrible side effects as others-try talking with your husband's doctor also.

Hang in there,
Sue

Cray - so sorry the rubber has hit the road so hard right now. My brother who has been ill for the past 3+ YRS for unreleated issues (colon cancer / removal) has often said that he feels the road to recovery has been harder in many ways on his caregiver than on him, himself because he has the meds and all he has to focus on is getting better, but his caregiver has to worry about everything plus trying to get the rest food and breaks they need as well ...

caregiving is HARD especially when it is a spouse or parent or child... you love them so much you want them better then you battle with the feelings you get when you are just plain tired.

#1 you need help. recruit it! friends and family willo usually come forward and help IF you open up to them and be blunt about what you need from them.

#2 you need a doctor who will listen - don't take the one twits advise - see another hon who will listen and understand - perhaps your husbands doctors would be a good resource because they know what you have been under.

#3 don't give up and dont anticipate the worse. I have heard from many on here and otherwise that recovery can take a longggggggg time - many times not feeling human again until a year and a half after last treatment... so don't give up yet.

#4 keep talking. many times just airing what we are feeling helps. sometimes we feel guilty when we feel what we feel but you have to remember it is NORMAL and you have to be able to vent feelings both good and bad so you don't lose it. We are always here to support you.

BIG HUGS I wish I could take it away and make it all better for you both.

Hang in there hon and let us know how you are doing. You will be in my prayers.

Hi Cray,

I am new here - just registered today. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but I am in a simular position and was going to post about it here, when I read your post. {{{Cray}}}

Kendall

Cray, you mention grown children. Why not call them together and tell them exaclty what you put in that post. Either that or get them to read the post. You need a break and I don't mean break down. If your kids won't help, maybe you have a friend or your hubby does that will help you out and give you a break once in awhile. Go for it Mam and good luck. If I was closer, I would volunteer, I know you have heard the blind taking care of the blind. LOL That's what it would be.

I'll repeat the good advice you were given above -- Find another Doc who will prescribe what you need to keep you on an even keel (going through his treatment Doc's office is a really good idea -- They have Been There, Done That!

Second is to get some break time for yourself, coffee out with friends or a movie or whatever relaxes you -- You really need to vent (this is a good place for that).

Clue in your kids as to what is really happening with both of you and exactly what you need from them to keep it all going. Same thing with your circle of friends and acquaintances; you might be surprised at how many people will rise to the occasion once you let it be known that you need some help.

I know my sister said the very worst time of her marriage to her Radiologist husband was when he was going through the chemo and radiation treatments for Hodgkin's Disease, and he was a Doc! He even went out and bought a hideous (and expensive) wig! And, he was one of the most cool, quiet and laid-back persons you would ever want to meet.

Hello Cray, Im in England and have just registered on here. I can identify with how you feel and am in the early stages of just taking in the recent diagnosis of my own husband with T4 SCC of mandible and ? node involvement. He was diagnosed on 4th Aug and we are awaiting an iminent date for his (14 hour) surgery - bilateral neck dissection, removal of 4cm tumour in mandible and creation of flap from chest wall, creation of tracheostomy and PEG feeding tube insertion. Im scared stiff and not coping at all well. Am on sedatives and signed off work right now. The surgeons have said (because I was stupid enough to ask the question), that he would only have months left to live if he did not have the operation - however he is STILL smoking althought trying to cut down. I feel as though our whole world has caved in and turned upside down and shaken out. We havent even been married 5 years (I am 47 and he is 60) and I dont want to lose him. Im so scared. I hope and pray we can get through this. Im not normally negative but Ive been so useless and keep breaking down all the time. Hopefully the diazepam will help a little. We are due back to clinic tomorrow morning so maybe then, we will get a date for Harald.

Thinking of you and any advice you could give me I would be most welcome of.

Judith