Well, this seems as good a place to put this as any. When I was diagnosed (almost a year ago) one of the things I kept saying to myself that helped save my sanity was that if it had to happen, it happened at a time in my life when I had wonderful loving people around me. And the person I was most grateful for was my husband.

This was a marriage where we had found each other late in life (5 and 1/2 years ago), after both having other fialed marriages. We rarely had a fight and where he was just a sweetie most days. And all through my treatment, for the most part, he was very supportive. I say for the most part because there were a couple of really NOT supportive moments and they were disturbingly not supportive (not just "honey I'm too busy to take you to raidaiton today" but the sort of thing were you think the person who had your best interests in mind is actually sabotaging them at a time when you're extrememly vilnerable). Still, cancer is a stressor (espcailly this one) and I had breast cancer as well and complications from th breast surgery on top of that.

Anyway, shortly (and I mean shortly like 2 weeks) after the end of my treatment, when I was still extremely sick from raidation adn just barely able to talk again, my husband started getting really angry and sicontent and breaking promises he had made about when he'd be around to acer for me and a bunch of other things. We started couples counsleing and a LOT of resentment spilled out from him about how I hadn't been "tkaing care of his needs" while I was at my sickest. Well-no more comment there. Those of you who have been through this know its hard to take care of your own needs through this stuff.

So the couples counseling goes on and he's not satisfied its going anywhere fast enough and wants to switch counselors--so we do but that kind of means backing up and starting over again. I that backing-up place, my beloved theatenes divorce. And it really seemed like a threat. Mentioned, then apologized for and always mentioned when when he was angry. We finally ( I thought) worked out in counseling that he ahd tuend a corner and was willing to really work on things. This was two months ago--Thanksgiving comes and goes and so does Christmas and then out of the blue, after acting like everyhting was wonderful while my parents was here, he turns on the "I want a divorce" stuff again.

To make a long story short, it was because he was hurt and angry about very specific things. VERY SOLVABLE specific things. But this time he's decided to move out. And without even a warning! We went to counsleing, he promised to play fair, and then yesterday, I take a nap and hwen I wake up he's gone. Whcih I acutlaly thought nothing of--assumed he's taken a walk or something. It took another couple of hours to find the note he' left on my computer.

I'm crushed. I'm barely barely back to "normal" (in fact I'm fighting a relaly nasty thrush bloom and today is the firts day where talking asn't been painful in quite a while)-assumoing nomrakl oincludes not being able to swallow. I have this Russian Roulette (only worse odds) of whether I'll get a recurrence in the next year, and now I am dealing with this. Wihtout making a list, I'be gone through some other pretty serious losses in my life before this too adn I just feel like there is a limit to resilience.

He was what I wanted to live for and why I fought so hard.

I have moments of wishing I just hadn't bothered.

Nelie
What can I say, I'm so sorry that it has worked out like this for you. Many of us are dealing with similar if not as direct as yourself.
I can only say that for yourself get as much help as possible and remember you are the victim here, NOT THE PURBRUTATOR...
I wish you every success in getting through this time, we are pulling for you.
Come and join the other troubled souls on the island, there are no judges there, it is just cyberspace chill out zone...
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen

NELIE:
This is indeed emotionally crushing. But you must maintain the will to fight. GET ANGRY, VENT, then pick yourself up and carry on.
This household will be praying for you...
Darrell

Nelie --

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine many years ago -- she had serious breast cancer (well, it's always serious but this was diagnosed late and back when treatments were very very radical). She was very, very sick. Her husband, whom she had supported unconditionally in his career as a big-name correspondent for a major news magazine, couldn't handle the fact that now SHE needed support. So he walked out. Like that. And left her with the cancer and the pieces.

With her friends and family she made it through treatment. She went on and had a great life -- I used to show her dog at the big dog shows, and we had a lot of fun over the years. It was her husband that was a loser! (and showed himself to be a creep, too...).

You will get through this, too -- we are all rooting for you!

Gail

Nelie,

I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I do wish that your counselor had adopted the "swift kick in the butt" approach with your husband -- what he's doing is inexcusable (but as Gail notes, he's not alone in his self-absorption). Serious illness has a tendency to show what people (including caregivers) are made of, and unfortunately, the results are not always what we would hope for.

Please remember that there are MANY people here who are continuing to pull for your complete recovery. I hope you have other family members who can be there for you as well. If your husband can't deal with this situation, it's his loss and a sorry reflection on his character.

Cathy

Nelie, every post I have read of yours showed your strength and determination. There are lots of people sending you more of the same. Amy

Nelie,

I am giving advice that I should take myself but as I am sure you know it is always easier to see from the outside.

All my life I have tried to look at things that at the moment seem so bad and wrong and try to imagine whatever good reason they might have for occuring. Down the road you might find that this was something that had to happen to give you a chance to have something else much more valuable.

The truth is I think he is a shit! Plain and simple and as I keep trying to tell my husband you need to live for yourself. From within you comes the will to live and that is where you need to reach now.

We have talked about this before when you have visited the island and you have showed amazing strength in your posts here. Hang onto that strength and lean on us and you will make it through. Your value in this world is determined by you and you alone and no one can take that away from you!

Hell, you are a New Yorker!! Born to be bold and tough so hang onto that and you will make it through this. As Amy so well reminded me yesterday, we can only control ourselves and sometimes we just have to let go of those things that we cannot control.

You are bright and witty and a wonderful support here. We have been lucky to know you. You are loved by people you have never even met and there are os many things out there for you to still experience. A friend of mine told me when I feel the need to kick the crap out of someone or something to get a baseball bat and beat the shit out of a tree. Doesn't help the tree much but it does wonders for me.

We are all here whenever you need us. If you email your phone number around many of us will even call you for a chat. I would come and visit but I suffer from a rare disease called southern bloodfreezeitis that prevents me from crossing the Mason-Dixon from September through May! (HEHEHE) But we are always just a keystroke and mouse click away sp HANG IN THERE!!!

You have an army of support behind you 24/7/365!

With Love Always,
Cindy

Nelie,
He could also be grieving the life he had with you prior to the cancer and anger is one of the stages of grief (as well as confusion and several others). My wife had a nervous breakdown after I recovered - the disease is very hard on the caregivers. I even had close friends who abandoned me because seeing their own mortality through me was too much for them.

It would also be quite natural for you to be suffering from depression from the disease as well.

But as Cindy, Amy, Cathy and others have said - we are your extended family and are here for you. We're pulling for you both.

Nelie,

Be strong. You have a lot to live for and a lot to offer. Look at this site and see the many people you have touched. We support you unconditionally. You have many friends.

John

Nelie my dear hang in there and be as strong as you know that you are and always remember you cannot control what others do or say but you DO control as to how you respond and in the end that gives you the ultimate control, "this too shall pass" and you will be much better for it . You have already proved to be a fighter so continue the good fight my dear.
Love and support always Lenny