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#34178 07-22-2005 01:36 PM
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Barb Offline OP
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I love you guys.


[i]"The artist, a traveler on this earth, leaves behind imperishable traces of his being." -Fran
#34179 07-22-2005 02:04 PM
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Oh Barb, here's a cyberhug {Barb}

I definitely think you shoudl write your daughter a letter. One thing cancer is slowly teaching me is that I might not have all the time in ther world to decide to tell people who I love that I love them.

On the other hand, I also think that brainstorker's point that people who can't be supportive are toxic is a good one.

My parents kind of faded out on me when I was at my sickest but in genreal they've been supportive--supportive at a distance because that's about all they can handle. And that's fine with me. I love them and I see, when I look back on how they've treated me at times in the past and how they've treated one of my siblings, that they have never had a real ability to be supportive of a child in need (as opposed saying things that are somehow supposed to be seen as supportive but would make anyone feel worse). But I love them anyway, and i tell them so from a distance that protectc me as well as them.

I'm having sort of an opposite problem in that I have a sister who had acted really horribly to me for about three years when I found out I had cancer. Now suddenly she's publicly posting these loving-sister messages on my caring bridge page and my parents seem to expect that all is now healed between us just because of that. And it's not that I'm carrying a grudge-- I can forgive her for being herself, but I can't *forget* how truly mean her behavior was in those three years, not just to me but also to my parents at one point, and I truly feel, more than ever, that life is too short to want to spend much effort on someone who is so toxic. I have so many wonderful loving friends and I've spent 25 adult yeasr hoping for some sort of authentic relationship with her without success. A few months of occassional "loving sister" posts on a public board where my parents can read how "good" she's being doesn't really change my mind about this.


SCC(T2N0M0) part.glossectomy & neck dissect 2/9/05 & 2/25/05.33 IMRT(66 Gy),2 Cisplatin ended 06/03/05.Stage I breast cancer treated 2/05-11/05.Surgery to remove esophageal stricture 07/06, still having dilatations to keep esophagus open.Dysphagia. "When you're going through hell, keep going"
#34180 07-22-2005 04:44 PM
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This is my 3rd attempt at posting to this dilemma of family dynamics. It is so sad when we let each other down, for whatever reason, and it is a human frailty. The thing that keeps running through my mind is "Do unto others as --" Amy


CGtoJohn:SCC Flr of Mouth.Dx 3\05. Surg.4\05.T3NOMO.IMRTx30. Recur Dx 1\06.Surg 2\06. Chemo: 4 Cycles of Carbo\Taxol:on Erbitux for 7 mo. Lost our battle 2-23-07- But not the will to fight this disease

:
#34181 07-23-2005 01:25 AM
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Barb,

No matter how many times she gives you the "Cold Shoulder " just keep turning that other cheek.

She is a very troubled girl, and, I would like to bet she is still testing to see how far she can push.
Send her a card Barb, send lots of cards if thats what it takes.
A mother cannot turn off love, you know that, no matter how crazy they drive you . I know that!
Marica


Caregiver to husband Pete, Dx 4/03 SCC Base of Tongue Stage IV. Chemo /Rad no surgery. Treatment finished 8/03. Doing great!
#34182 07-23-2005 03:04 AM
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Barb,
I feel for you. I don't understand that type of behavior whatsoever. I have a brother who has developed a very similar pattern since my mom was diagnosed. I'm sorry you have to experience this. This is a difficult time for you and you need all the support you can get. I wish you all my best.
Dave


Mom's caregvr. DDS failed to dx 01/03. Dx Stg IV SCC 05/03. Induct. chemo, IMRT, 5FU, H, Iressa, Neck disect, radiation. Dad's caregvr. Dx 01/04 Ext. Stg SCLC. Mets to liver/bone 08/04. Died 11/12/04. Mom tongue CA dx 06/13, hemiglossectomy (80% removed) 08/13. Clean margins and nodes, but PNI. 6/15/15: Tongue CA at base of remnant tongue. Declined further tx; hospice.
Died 10/13/15. What a long and difficult journey.
#34183 07-23-2005 03:56 AM
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Barb,
I have a very close friend that did the same thing to me. When I told her that I had cancer, she disappeared. She never called or came to see me in the hospital. Now that I am 3 months out, I have started to hear from her again. I dont understand it but I think that some people just cant deal with the idea of cancer.


Mucoepidermoid carcinoma-intermediate grade. Removed 3/05. Additional surgery to get clean margins and selective neck dissection 4/05. 30 lymph nodes removed. All clear!!
#34184 07-23-2005 07:22 AM
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Mellay, weirdly enough my close local friend up and disappeared too. Funny I have seemed to hit the jackpot with weird behavior from both relatives and friends. It's like this year I hit some sort of unlucky lottery.

However, I know it's just more of a personal sort of deal on whether or not to force contact on people that seem to run away from sick people. In my own case, I didn't want to become the sickly stalker of people. I am not one to press my company upon those who don't value it.

All I know is that it takes all my energy and focus to deal with the cards I got dealt. As if we don't already have enough of "roller coaster" emotions with this damned disease, I know I certainly didn't need to shoulder the insensitivity and baggage from those that couldn't deal straight with me.

I am SO grateful for the people that did take the time to lift me out of that hole, even though it was a major disappointment in those that let me down--related to me or not.

Funny thing about cancer and facing mortality. It makes you seriously think about important stuff. No longer would I be threatened if someone promises to put something on my "permanent record" lol... While I still generally try to behave myself and concern myself with the niceties of "thank you" and other social graces, I guess I no longer care if someone thinks of me as a word that rhymes with "witch" <G>

Guess this is why, I don't suggest sending cards or letters to people. I'm afraid of telling them flat out where their faults lie. I'm not at all ashamed to admit this, but when the friend bailed on me and I didn't hear from her for three months, someone gave me a card with an old lady using a finger. The inside said "When words are NOT enough" Yes, I sent it and didn't feel bad about sending it. However, it's not like I ever wanted contact from that person again.

I think there is an expression called "Fair-weather Friends" perhaps that also goes for "Fair-weather Relatives" ... people who can only have a relationship with you when you are healthy and whole, but simply freak with illness or obstacles show up. Either way, I don't have much use for either. People who do not help are a hinderance.

I have three teenage children I must recover to finish raising. After being THE caretaker for over 16 years in my little family, my illness made me realize that it wasn't at all selfish for me to focus on caretaking ME for a change. There have been times during this past year where I have had to tell them I was simply unable to do something and they would just have to deal.

Anyway, I wish you luck with the daughter, Barb, but better yet, I wish you full recovery so you can enjoy life regardless of whether or not she comes around.

Jen

#34185 07-23-2005 11:29 AM
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Barb,

I think I know how you feel (unfortunately). Just 9 days after my diagnosis, my husband of 23 years died suddenly. Needless to say, this was the time in my life where I needed the most love and support. Unfortunately, our friends (of my husband and me) just couldn't deal with a 45 year old widow, no less a widow with CANCER! My God, you would have thought I was typhoon Mary or something! Most of them didn't just walk away - they RAN away as fast as they could. Sure, they were there at the services, hugging me, crying with me and promising to call me, but then they just disappeared. I'm still pretty hurt by it but try not to think of it as "my" lose, but "their" lose. Thankfully I have had the loving support of my son and my family. It sounds like your daughter has a lot of bottled up feelings that stem from your husband's death and just can't deal with you having cancer. Hopefully she'll come around and realize that not only have you always been there for her, but have every expectation to continue to be there for her. I'd try sending her a card that might just simply say, I love you and I'm here for you. Barb, you've come so far in your journey that I'd hate to see this consuming you and beating you down. Try to keep your spirits up. Remember, we're here for you!

Big hugs, Nancy


Stage IV oral cancer (tongue), T3N2, total glossectomy with right and left modified neck dissection 7/03, rad /chemo ended 11/03
#34186 07-23-2005 12:43 PM
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Barb Offline OP
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Seems as if most of us are touched by this some way. The man from the ACS who drives me on Thursday said his wife died of breast cancer five years ago. Her parents "couldn't face it" and never once came to see her all the time she was in treatment or even to her funeral. How crappin' sad is that!?

I will write my kid. She will always be my baby girl and I will always be her mom. Speaking of her she has a really high IQ and has always been "different".
God be with you,
Barb~


[i]"The artist, a traveler on this earth, leaves behind imperishable traces of his being." -Fran
#34187 07-23-2005 02:21 PM
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I must have been lucky, no-one I know has bailed out on me, but my 13 year old twin nephews have suprised me, I thought they would be all over the scars and gory bits, but no, Gross is their words for the scars and they refuse to touch them, super, they are a couple of softies, but they came every day in hospital to see me and that must have taken a lot of guts.
They are now visiting their Grandma, my MUM, who has terminal cancer and they are chatting to her as if all is well. (why do I think tears are for after visiting) they should develope into well balenced young men. I am proud of the way my brother and his wife have brought them up.
Sunshine...love and hugs
Helen


SCC Base of tongue, (TISN0M0) laser surgery, 10/01 and 05/03 no clear margins. Radial free flap graft to tonsil pillar, partial glossectomy, left neck dissection 08/04
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