Hello All,

Hope all is well with everyone, its been a very long time since i visited this site and yet so much has happened. A Brief run down would be my father and best friend was 52 and diagnosed with squamous cell of the tongue stage II ( supposedly) any ways after fighting to get him medical help i finally did and he received 85 radation treatment above the neck and chemo treatment weekly on would spend weeks in the hospital receiving around the clock chemo. He lost alot of weight and no one would listen to his complanints or mine until finally they put a peg in when he weighed 100 lbs. Okay then we go for testing after all treatments and guess what its in another place they tell us (This happened to be on my 30th Birthday) but suggest that a PET scan be done but medicaid wouldn't pay for the test so i research and get him into moffit reseach cancer center, this is after i planned a benefit and raised money for him to pay living expenses and funeral arrangements come to find out. Anyhow my father last went into the hospital in July and a doctor told him it was useless to go home and die, oh my how furious i was, you see he was a fighter and didn't want to give up so the called hospice and he didn't quite grasp what they really were. He assumption was they maybe could find him doctors else where and provide better meds, and let me also say my father was married to the worst person I've ever met in my life. He was getting morphine shots in his arms every 4 hrs and still painting his house laying carpet in my house and climbing on roofs 4 days before he died but that happened when the wife told hospice she could not sleep and couldn't deal with everything that they needed to do continuious morphine, and as soon as they did boy did he go down hill quick. I was there every moment of those last few days and i felt as though i was dying with him. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. Then to make matters worse he wanted no funeral or viewing he was a commercial fisherman all he wanted was to be spread out to sea on a boat he fished and to say your final fairwells with your beverage of choice ( his was beer). But that didn't happen, she left his ashes at the funeral home for 2 months(boo hoo she couldn't handle it) and then spread his ashes off our local bridge in the intercoastal with her new boyfriend without me. Now he hasn't even been dead 3 months and she moved him in my fathers house 1-1/2 ago before she even allowed for his ashes to be picked up. I telling this lady will one day get what she deserves. The day he died and the very last breath he took I held his hand and gave him one last hug and took his favorite hat (It was a Boston hat) which thats what his nick name was and i left i couldn't bear the thought of her letting drunk people coming and going out of his trailer (she put the bed right in the front door) Basically for 4 days on his patio people partied and waited like vultures for him to take that last breath and when he did she called everyone to come(agianst his wishes) he wanted people to remember him the way he was, then they preceded to start cleaning out his shed of all his tools. I telling you it took alot of strength on my part to not kicking her ass right there (sorry) but I didn't because in the long run she will get what she deserves and then maybe my closure can begin

I am very sorry for the rampling but I really have not been able to grieve or morn his death and certainly have not gotten closure.

I put so much effort and time into getting my father help, treatments, to doctors, to other hosptials across state under the impression that everything would be okay. And it wasn't. I feel alot of guilt for the help i got because it was terrible to see him go to a healthly 51 year good looking man to someone who looked 91 and weighed 80 lbs at the time of death. All together this process was a 1 1/2. I feel sometimes he suffered so much because of the treatments and if he hadn't done them yes he might of died sooner but atleast he could of enjoyed a few more meals and a beer. Which of course he had not had anything by mouth for a long time. All he could think about was when everything was done how he would be able to get a new set of dentures (because they pulled all of his teeth.)

Agian I am sorry for writing so much I guess Im just venting, I had no one to go through this with and this was my first experience with death. I do know I need to receive counseling, because I get really frustated with my mother who says I can talk to her anytime and then turns around and tells me its over with and get on with my life, and shes not the only one whose made that comment. My reply to her was well shes 51 and still has both of her parents (my grandparents) so she has no idea what feeling and emotions i have.

I had better stop typing now otherwise you will think Im all crazy, but I just needed to vent.

Thanks for listening and if you know of any support groups i could try please let me know. I know I need some form of help.

Oh Kelly,
I was so sorry to read of your loss and how much you have been through. I am glad that you realize that you need counseling. It will help you deal with the pain of the loss of your dad and also your anger. It is normal to feel these things, Hon, they are honest emotions. Closure will come when it is time. You can't rush it. First you must be emotionally ready.

I lost both my parents when I was young and it took a long time to recover. Do you have a church where you feel comfortable? My faith helped me. Otherwise I would suggest a family health clinic.

You took a great big step, Kelly, by coming here and telling your story. You are a strong person and eventually you will find peace.

I will be praying for you and
God bless
Judy U

Hey babe,

Been there, and I know how it feels.....

You are NOT alone....

You are well on your way, but everyone can use a friend......

Mail me anytime...............

Love ya,
Mandi

Kelly,

I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't listen to the people who are telling you to just get on with your life. You need to grieve for as long as is necessary and you definitely need to feel a sense of closure.

I think it is wise of you to get counseling or at least take part in a support group. I would suggest you call the hospitals and hospice organizations in your area. There are several in our area and they all have support groups for grieving. Tha American Cancer Society should also have a list of support groups in your area. Also check to see if your county has a Human Services department. They should know what is available. Take care of yourself.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie

Kelly,
The last day of my CanCare training we had a wonderful minister come and speak to us, and , surprise, it was not about religion, it was about the grieving process. He said that his whole life has been shaped by finding his father in the yard dead of a heart attack when, at age 14, he got off the school bus. The minister's point was that his father's not being there followed him through every good and bad thing that happened in his life...success on the sports field, time spent in Vietnam, graduation from college, getting married, having children, etc. It was not like he could just forget about it; he said that he would always feel the loss. He said that you should grieve as long as necessary and that people who suggest to you that enough time has passed and that you should get on with your life, don't know what they are talking about. Not that you don't go on with your life,you will, but you don't have to act like the pain and loss don't exist. After all, you are human, and a very dedicated, caring person at that. (P.S. rant all you want here)

Danny G.

Kelly, I`m sorry for your lose, and I`d like to agree with everyone else, especially the minister. I lost my boyfriend in Vietnam in 69, 3 months before we were to be married. I still wonder what if ? I think about all the things he missed and wonder how my life would have been different. Since, Frank`s latest tumor, I`ve been thinking alot about mortality. I don`t think we ever really stop grieving, we just try, and it does get easier, to put them in a spot in our heart and keep them with us. Truthfully, after all these years, I still can`t read the letters from `Nam..................Many Prayers your way........Dee

Thank you for everyones replies and support, I feel like this is the only place I have for people who really understand how I feel. One of my biggest regrets is I am 30 years old and never married but have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and for the first time ever my father absolutly loved him ( My father was a tough old bird when it came to his baby(me)) And believe me our relationship was not the normal father/daughter relationship. We had a very open best friend relationship, I loved partying with him before he was sick and did so instead of with my friends, hell my friends would rather go where he was because he was always the life of the party. I could tell him anything, good, bad, and he would just give suggestions and always accepted me for who I was no matter what. But the point I was trying to make is I wanted to be married before he died with him on my arm, and we tried to arrange that after the benefit I put together for him but things just went to quick. When I say quick I mean trying to get him to other facilities that specialized in cancer and maybe could possibly help, nor he or I where willing to give up. So therefore the wedding was put on the back burner. Since his death I have been told my my fiance that my father approached him in confidence about how he approved of Steve(my boyfriend) taking my hand in marriage and also he knew he would not be around for it so he buried a box of money and told him not me, where it was buried for when we got married. Why you are probably wondering did he hide it, well a couple of reasons one his greedy wife (which he had other money left from the benefit which was hidden because she would spend it and used to be an iv drug user, he didn't trust her, and two my father liked mind games he wanted you to figure things out. and to this day she still has no clue where the other money is. And I get a real kick out of that, nor do I know where it is but I know how the thought and possible places it would be. I am real anxious for Steve to find the box for me before we get married only because I think there is a letter in there for me, I could careless about the money I just want to read his final thought and words to me. He would write me little notes here and there the last few months and sign them with Love Your Hope Angel. And that was because I bought him a little like keepsake angle made of medal and it was about hope, I carried mine with me at all times and my father decided he would drill a little hole in the top and where it on a chain around his neck and there for a while he belived it was giving him the hope he needed because we would go to the doctors after that and he had gained alittle weight(like 3 lbs).
Oh here I go agian just rambling, this is all probably trival to some but I love talking about him and I feel my friends and family on my mothers side are sick of hearing about him- they say I dwelling. Maybe I should just write in a journal, but then I would get no feed back and I feel like there are people hear that know and understand and I look forward to everyone responses and advice.

Hope Everyone Has a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.

Sincerely,

Kelly

kelly,
I know your loss is great but you still have more than most.Reading your posts I just can't help thinking how I envy your memories. Many people don't have the relationship you had with your Dad or anyone else. Treasure all these thoughts and ramble all you want.Someday you may want to share these memories with a child of your own . Your love for him will get you through this.
Take care
Diane

DIANE

THANKS FOR THE REPLY, AS FOR MY MEMORIES I DO HAVE ALOT AND GRATEFUL FOR THEM AND AS WELL I DO HAVE A 10 YEAR OLD SON WHOM I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART, WHICH HE DIDN'T GET TO KNOW HIS GRANDFATHER LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE AND HE HAS NO OTHERS. BUT SINCE MY FATHER DIED I FEEL LIKE A PART OF ME HAS SHUT DOWN AND I CAN'T FEEL LOVE, OR HAPPY I JUST GO THROUGH THE DAYS LIKE IM IN A DAZE AND WONDER WHEN AM I GOING TO WAKE UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

KELLY

Kelly,
You may not realize it but your " rambling " is very uplifiting. It made me feel very good just to read the touching stories about the relationship between you and your dad. Just by sharing your experiences you are helping others. Now how good is that!

Danny G.