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Family coming to stay with us - early stages #194152
04-13-2017 07:57 PM
04-13-2017 07:57 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 25
Roanoke, VA
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Tink222 Offline OP
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Tink222  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2017
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Roanoke, VA
Just a note I received word via phone call that I have "Cancer." I guess I didn't articulate that fact well in my original post.

My sweet husband (we have been married for 9 months) is trying to plan ahead although we haven't technically met with the Head & Neck Doctor yet. This appointment is on 4/18/17.

Meanwhile, he has asked his brother and possibly his sister to come to help us with several unrelated issues as well as provide support for us during this time. He is coming on 4/19/17!!!!!! Just one day after we meet with the dr and discus a preliminary treatment plan.

I am reluctant because I dont know the treatment plan or timeline and we currently have his 21 year old son and girlfriend living with us .....what was suppose to be a 2 day stay has now turned into a 4 month night mare. She has never had a job and won't work and he just got his first real job 3 months ago he barely works 7-21 hours a week and calls off sick frequently which explains why he has been fired from 2 jobs in the past 3 months.

They spend his paycheck on marijuana and liquor, they don't help around the house, and stay up till 5 or 6 am. Given my recent diagnosis my husband has informed his son that the girlfriend needs to go back to live with her mom. The son is saying if she has to leave then he will leave and they will live in their cars and be homeless and has asked if he can stop by to pick up a banana and some water once in a while.

Please understand that this issue has been a huge stressor for me for 2 1/2 years!!! We have never lived in a house alone. It is a horrible toxic environment.

His brother coming will help my husband get through this but I do not want to go through this with his brother as a caregiver. I have family that will help me. But I realize my husband needs his brothers support right now.

I really don't know what to do! Should I be okay with the brother coming? And how should we handle the sons selfish behavior? We need a stable foundation when treatments and it surgery starts. Please advise....his family are loving and caring I just want my family helping me.


SCC 4a Biopsy- under tongue 4/7/17 results Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Surgery scheduled 5/9/17. Tumor Boarf reviewing case next Wednesday 5/3/17 Appt surgery/reconstruction/involvement TBD a affected area-base of tongue on the entire right side floor of mouth from base of tongue to wall of mandible, lymph nodes in neck involved. Proceeding w/PET, surgery/ reconstruction TBD, trach, port, radiation, chemo, feeding tube. Learning from you everyday. DeboraLee
Re: Family coming to stay with us - early stages [Re: Tink222] #194154
04-13-2017 08:41 PM
04-13-2017 08:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 38
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cougardad62 Offline
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Posts: 38
Hi Tink... you don't need any stress while going through this time. Your husband is making a good call by asking them to leave. "Tough love" needs to be done here. It would not be so bad if they would help out and support your household. I have a good support system set up with my wife, Sunday school class and my work. I will tell you that the less people around us better....take care and keep us informed. Use as much help as possible

Last edited by cougardad62; 04-13-2017 08:42 PM. Reason: One line
Re: Family coming to stay with us - early stages [Re: Tink222] #194156
04-13-2017 08:49 PM
04-13-2017 08:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 38
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cougardad62 Offline
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cougardad62  Offline
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Posts: 38
Hi Tink sent you a private message

Re: Family coming to stay with us - early stages [Re: Tink222] #194157
04-14-2017 04:49 AM
04-14-2017 04:49 AM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 227
NY state
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travelottie Offline
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travelottie  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 227
NY state
The question is not "should you be okay with his brother coming?" The question is are you okay with his brother coming? This is a time to think about yourself and realistically evaluate what will make things easier for you. You might not have all these answers initially.

I found that honesty between my husband and me while going through this very difficult time spared us a lot of misunderstanding. He is normally very outgoing and social, but during most of the treatment time it took all of his energy to just survive. BTW, his normal personality came back - there is hope.


CG to husband, dx @ age 65, nonsmoker/social drinker. Dx 5/08 SCC Stage IV, BOT T1N2aM0. 33 IMRT - completed 9/12/08. Induction Chemo (Cisplatin, Taxotere & 5FU), plus concurrent Cisplatin.
1/09 PEG removed; 5/09 neg PET/CT; 5/10 PET/CT NED
Dental extraction & HBOT 2013; ORN 2014; Debridement/Tissue Transfer & HBOT 2016
Re: Family coming to stay with us - early stages [Re: Tink222] #194158
04-14-2017 06:57 AM
04-14-2017 06:57 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10,227
PA
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ChristineB Offline

Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services
ChristineB  Offline

Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10,227
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Tink, you certainly have your hands full. All this stress is the last thing you need to be concerned with. I suggest seeking out a therapist, counselor, or some sort of family therapy to help you and your husband work as a team on everything. OC is no joke! It is a deadly disease that takes lives. At a time when you should be thinking about finding the right doctors and treatment facility to get your treatment plan set up, you are distracted by unneeded drama. I wish the people you are telling us about had some compassion and were capable of taking care of their own affairs without needing you and your husband to help them. The timing couldnt be worse! Sometimes in life we must take a stand and do things to put ourselves first. To me this is one of those times where you must take care of yourself and not all these other people.

Wishing you all the very best!


PS... I wrote you a long reply to your first post addressing things to help you with being recently diagnosed.


Christine
SCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44
2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07
-65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr
Clear PET 1/08
4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I
surg 4/16/08 clr marg
215 HBO dives
3/09 teeth out, trismus
7/2/09 recur, Stg IV
8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy
3wks medicly inducd coma
2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit
PICC line IV antibx 8 mo
10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg
OC 3x in 3 years
very happy to be alive smile
Re: Family coming to stay with us - early stages [Re: Tink222] #194159
04-14-2017 07:45 AM
04-14-2017 07:45 AM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,056
Toronto, Canada
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gmcraft Offline

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gmcraft  Offline

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Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,056
Toronto, Canada
I feel I may be going out on a limb since I don't really know the family dynamics. But I do know that if your treatment plan includes chemo and radiation, your husband may not have the time or the energy to deal with the daily chores, especially if he is not domestically-inclined. You probably won't be able to do the chores yourself after a couple of weeks of radiation. So, some help in that department will be needed. If you could talk your husband into getting his brother to come at the time when he is really needed, then do so. (Treament won't start for a couple of weeks at least after you've seen the oncologist, so it makes sense for him to allow you to take a breath and plan which scenario you would like.) If not, see if you can set up a space for yourself (in your room/the den) where you have everything you need and you can close the door on the drama that's going on outside.

As for the young people, I hate to say that, but emotional blackmail has worked for them, right? So, I would just ignore the sob stories and let them go on their way.




Gloria
She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails... Elizabeth Edwards

Wife to John,dx 10/2012, BOT, HPV+, T3N2MO, RAD 70 gy,Cisplatinx2 , PEG in Dec 6, 2012, dx dvt in both legs after second chemo session, Apr 03/13 NED, July 2013 met to lungs, Phase 1 immunotherapy trial Jan 18/14 to July/14. Taxol/carboplatin July/14. Esophagus re-opened Oct 14. PEG out April 8, 2015. Phase 2 trial of Selinexor April to July 2015. At peace Jan 15, 2016.
Re: Family coming to stay with us - early stages [Re: Tink222] #194160
04-14-2017 08:08 AM
04-14-2017 08:08 AM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 25
Roanoke, VA
T
Tink222 Offline OP
Contributing Member (25+ posts)
Tink222  Offline OP
Contributing Member (25+ posts)
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 25
Roanoke, VA
Thank you for responding! Oddly I am feeling The strength of support from this forum!

My husband is amazing and gives 100 %
Around the house! He loves to cook and wants to be in charge of the kitchen. First time in my life I am blessed with a partner that loves to cook. My mom, son, 2 sisters all live 2-4 miles from me. So I think I can lean on them.

Setting up a den is a perfect idea as we are on the 2nd floor of our house! Two bedrooms and a bathroom. So that plan would definitely work!

Wow!!!!! You nailed it on the head! Emotional Blackmail! And yes this tactic has worked in the past! Not so sure my sweet husband can uphold the "tough love" concept. This is his only son, the youngest, has been arrested twice for possession and is allowed to smoke pot in our home despite my demands that he doesn't partake. Especially when they don't work or clean up after themselves or help!!! But I know I need to focus on me and I need a harmonious environment even before the diagnosis!


SCC 4a Biopsy- under tongue 4/7/17 results Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Surgery scheduled 5/9/17. Tumor Boarf reviewing case next Wednesday 5/3/17 Appt surgery/reconstruction/involvement TBD a affected area-base of tongue on the entire right side floor of mouth from base of tongue to wall of mandible, lymph nodes in neck involved. Proceeding w/PET, surgery/ reconstruction TBD, trach, port, radiation, chemo, feeding tube. Learning from you everyday. DeboraLee
Re: Family coming to stay with us - early stages [Re: Tink222] #194161
04-14-2017 12:49 PM
04-14-2017 12:49 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10,227
PA
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ChristineB Offline

Administrator, Director of Patient Support Services
ChristineB  Offline

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Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 10,227
PA
Im so glad you are finding our site helpful smile We do our best to help everyone who needs us. Dont worry, we will support you right thru the upcoming treatments and recovery.

The minute you were diagnosed was the minute you need to start becoming selfish and putting yourself first. Most of us find this difficult to do. But, this must happen or consequences will force it to happen. Im speaking from experience! I was not the best with watching my intake and it landed me in the hospital with malnutrition and dehydration. My body was shutting down and screaming for attention and demanded to be taken better care of. I dont want to see anyone else ever go thru that. This is why Im such a nag about focusing on your intake. You MUST do this every single day right thru the first year after finishing rads. If you currently are on the slim side I suggest pushing those numbers and hitting 4000+ calories a day to pack on a couple pounds before any treatments begin. Eat all your favorites and have dessert too.

As far as everyone in your home, that can be one difficult situation which causes you extra unneeded stress. Its taking your focus off your intake and all the million and one other things you must now absorb and prepare. If you are able to get the people who arent helping you out of the house it will make your life so much easier. Its not fair that you and your husband are manipulated. Unfortunately your illness must come first in priorities for your household so if the 2 who dont help cant turn themselves around then its their choice that they must leave. Not easy but necessary for your health both physical and mental. As far as the smoking pot goes, some places its legal and others its not. If you live where its not legal then you sure dont need any legal problems on top of everything you are dealing with regarding your health. Its black and white.... shape up or move on. If they choose to live in their vehicle then thats their choice. I grew up with everyone being responsible for their own choices and actions. The world has changed so much since then. I see a world of many entitled young people who could do so much more with their lives but they choose not to. I feel so bad you have to deal with this problem!!! Being a parent is definitely the most difficult job there is.

Good luck!!!


Christine
SCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44
2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07
-65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr
Clear PET 1/08
4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I
surg 4/16/08 clr marg
215 HBO dives
3/09 teeth out, trismus
7/2/09 recur, Stg IV
8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy
3wks medicly inducd coma
2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit
PICC line IV antibx 8 mo
10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg
OC 3x in 3 years
very happy to be alive smile

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