Grammie

Extremely common occurence. Often caregivers have it worse than the patient in this regard. I was going to write the definitive book about this very isssue and most of the other ones here on this thread after reading all of them. But a breat cancer patient, Lori Hope beat me to it!
Help Me Live, Revised: 20 things People with Cancer want you to know. Be sure to get the revise edition. The Amazon site blurb says it all
[quote] Following her own treatment for cancer, Lori Hope created a survey for cancer survivors addressing issues they wanted their families, friends, and caregivers to understand. The results of the newly expanded survey are presented with honesty, insight, and humor, and complemented by scores of compelling personal stories from survivors of diverse ages and backgrounds.

If you are a caregiver, Help Me Live will help you communicate more effectively and respond more compassionately. And if you are a survivor, it will help you feel validated, empowered, and, ultimately, hopeful.[/quote]

Lori had a recurrence and died after the revisions came out
You may want to buy some copies and give them out to friends as a silent nudge.

On the other hand, I was surprised by the kindness and real care expressed by my co workers. Turns out that they were truer friends than my so called ones. One of the most common surprises on the board is how many "friends" do disappear, the other one is how many "friends" who stay do and say things that make you wish they had disappeared. (see some of the other posts in this very long thread I started out of frustration )
Charm

I would rather have a heartfelt kindness given to me by a stranger than one given to me by a friend or relative out of a sense of obligation or guilt. Some people are just not capable of coping with a crisis situation. And you cannot make someone feel what they cannot feel. They cannot give what they do not have to give. My son and I had a few of these. too. I would rather concentrate on the ones who were there for both of us and gave unselfishly of their time and efforts and compassion. The cancer experience brought new people into our lives and also showed us the depth of love and caring from the friends and relatives we already had. Some of the best we found right here at OCF.

I agree with Anne-Marie. To be frank, we have a tough enough fight without having to fight to keep the so called friends.

I had my parents stay with me after my surgery, which everyone knew, and a (sadly) large number of friends never even bothered to call to see how the surgery went. Others went out of their way to bring soup, and cook meals for my parents.

My best friend was completely freaked out, and no idea how to handle things, but she went over the top - she paid for a cleaning lady to come, paid for a haircut in advance of my surgery, etc.. I actually had to tell her that while I loved that she wanted to help, it was making me feel like a sick person. It was enough that she came to see me every day.

Really, all we want is to feel like we matter, and a card, a call or a visit I found to be the most important things that showed me I mattered.

To hell with the rest of 'em!

There are so mant good points here. One of the hardest things for me as a caregiver was that my expectations of some of the people closest to me had to be lowered considerably. And others I could never have imagined came through with much support.

During one particularly difficult period, when I was feeling isolated and emotionally drained, I reached out in an email to a colleague relaying what was going on in our lives. He in turn, bless his heart, notified our network of colleagues from a past work environment encouraging them to email me with messages of support. Wow! That was the most awesome thing. Sometimes people need a little coaching on how to help. Mike rallied the troops for me! To this day, remembering that gift makes me misty.

BTW, this was before I met my OCF friends. Once I started posting here, the response was amazing and so appreciated. There is nothing like this group of friends. I feel so lucky to be a part of it.

Anita,
one of the most beautiful things my husband received was a whole packet of children's drawings. One of our frieds is an oncology nurse who lost her husband to cancer. She remarried, her blended family includes 6 children. She had all of her kids make get will drawings, and sent them to arrive the week after my husband was done with therapy. The most touching were from the ones that had lost their father. But, my goodness, there are children who are being raised right!
Maria

Right on, Maria - Hope and compassion come from the very youngest to the oldest among us. Sometimes it is just a look, a word, or a touch - or a child's drawing with a few simple words of encouragement but they speak volumes about the caring that is felt.

Grammieshiela - There is hope and caring for you and your fianc�, too. You will come to treasure the friends/relatives that stay with you even more and you will find new ones that help you through this journey in ways you may never have expected. Stay with us. We care.

That's funny Charm; the guys Kevin worked with wrote to him from the Great White North on a daily basis. Many of them even participated in payroll deduction to help us with our finances for the 6 months he was out of work. THEY were phenomenal...but they were HIS friends...
I was the caregiver and felt completely isolated. I would go to the school to pick up our youngest and in the beginning I would stand there feeling like a leper because everyone steered clear of me. One day I just broke down in tears and a complete stranger offered me a tissue and asked if she could help with something. I told her what we were going through and a great friendship was formed. It helped, but we only communicated at the school. The rest of the time I was alone again.
Then, toward the end of tx, I found my peace and support here. I NEVER felt alone again. I only wish I had found you 4 months sooner! But, better late than never!!
It has made me a much more compassionate person though. I am there when there's a need. I don't want anyone to feel the way I felt.
Kathy

Any cancer is confronting, oral cancer particularly so. I don't really judge those who were nowhere to be found during treatment.

I feel like we had enough people around we could depend on. And help did come from unlikely places. Overall I'd say I have more faith in the meaning of friendship rather than less. Still, my experience is mine alone and I don't want to deny feelings of hurt and disappointment experienced by others.

I had a conversation with an acquaintance, who is a dear friend of several dear friends, at a party recently. She said she wanted me to know that we have been in her thoughts since the diagnosis and she was genuinely affected but felt it would be awkward to phone. I have to assume that others carry us in their hearts but don't have the courage to say it.

It's true - it really hurts when people we thought we could count on disappoint us but in defense of the ones that disappear in a crisis, it is not always easy to know what to say or do. Their own past may have something in it that weakened their store of courage or ability to react in a way we feel is helpful or proper. Survivors also have many different ways of reacting to others' comments or actions. My son told me early on that he hated when people said to him: "Well, it could be worse" so I scrambled around telling everyone not to say that to him. And when he started Rad Tx - after the first one I cheerily said to him, "Yay! only 34 more to go!" He reacted very badly to that - and so I was careful to never say that again. Then when it got closer to the end of Tx and he was coming out of his latest Rad session, he himself cheerily said the same thing back to me: "Yay, only ____ more to go!"

This is a good thread and something we've all experienced to one degree or another.

It is true that you find out who your friends are when you have cancer. Inevitably there will be some that disappear. There are many reasons why. I experienced this when I went public with my cancer, While I've been a little surprised and disappointed in some I called friend, I'm not really upset with them. How can I be? It's their way, for whatever reason, of coping with it. On the flip side, the number of people that have come out in support has been overwhelming. I'm truly humbled and blessed by it and it more than makes up for those that backed away. Fortunately for me, the people that mean the most to me in my life are behind me 100%

Regardless, everyone will be kept up to date on my progress through online. They'll have the opportunity to reach out if they so choose. When all is said and done, I'll reach out and let those who backed away know I'm Ok. Then the ball will be in their court.... no harm, no foul after that.

"T"