Depression and anger are very common after being diagnosed with cancer in general and head and neck cancer in particular. It is also very difficultfor ther caregiver to cope with. I wrote a short article on this topic from a perspectives of a physician who is also a head and neck patient that can be read at: http://tinyurl.com/6u2qgft

I hope that the Forum members will find it helpful.

Itzhak Brook MD

Thanks!!

I found guilt over being sick, having to rely on others, and the resulting depression to be my most difficult issues.

I think that must be true of nearly everyone. My son confided to me at one point during his treatment and just after leaving his therapist's office, that he felt so guilty for having to rely so much on my taking care of him and his therapist, to help him understand, asked him if he wouldn't do the same for his 5-year old daughter if she needed him in the same way. I think it helped him to understand that his guilt feelings were misplaced. As his caregiver, I tried to impress on my son (newly divorced) that being able to care for him and know how he was doing each day - keeping busy with the schedules, medications, trips to the doctor, laundry, kitty litter, phone calls, etc. - all that - is what helped me, and kept me from completely falling apart. If he had had a wife or significant other in his life, I don't know if I could have been able to sit back while someone else took care of him. The whole experience has afforded us many bonding moments to help us realize how important life and love are to those who care for each other. And that's a good thing.

My husband feels the same way everyday. Some days are worse than others, but with each "mystery lump or pain" that comes, the days get closer and closer. He does not see an end to the sickness. He feels like he is a burden and my life would be better without him in it...

Personally, I would be lost without having to take care of him. I drive him to HBO, make and take him to his appointments and run his antibiotics several times per day. I was laid off in December, which was a blessing as his jaw reconstruction surgery was coming up. I have found that I enjoy caregiving. I am a middle school teacher and in some ways, it is similar. Maybe I should have went into nursing!

you did go into nursing, just in a way that a school cannot teach.

I wish that patients who have a devoted caregiver would not feel a moment's worth of guilt for what is involved in being a caregiver. It is a true act of love, freely given.

It never crossed my mind to abandon J or for him to go without me being his caregiver. After 25+ years of marriage, it was the natural choice for both of us. I made the offer as we stood outside the ENT's office, having just received the biopsy results.

But, maybe I'm just a control freak.

Sandy

Sandy, sometimes being a "control freak" (a.k.a. "take charge" type person) is a very good thing!

IMO there would be something seriously wrong if a patient with oral cancer did not get depressed. It's another rite of passage to survivor. I let myself get depressed at least once a day, but not for long. In my mind, I paraphrase popular songs to reflect my changing feelings. These have been on the airwaves recently.

Sometimes it's Gavin DeGraw's song Not Over You
[quote]� If you ask me how I�m doing; I would say I�m doing just fine,
I would lie and say the cancer's not on my mind �. [/quote]

Other times it's Kelley Clarkson's: Stronger :
[quote]�What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ;Stand a little taller
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter Cancer doesn't mean I'm over �
[/quote]
Lots of time it's wistful Katie Perry:
[quote]In another life, I would be made whole. In another life the cancer would not have stayed
[/quote]
I don't even have to change a word in Adele's Someone Like You
[quote]�You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days ....
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? �[/quote]

I've posted before about the "tyranny of positivism". Ironically, beating yourself up for mourning what the cancer did or took away can lead to depression. But I also think it important to think happy, life affirming thoughts each and every day and keep a gratitude journal to offset the bad days.
Charm

well said Charm, thank you for this today my friend.