Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,671
Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)
Offline
Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts)

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,671
Well, that's good that a therapist is involved, now. Sometimes it's easier to take advice from an objective 3rd party than from the person that loves him the most. Sounds like he's really testing your love and dedication. Maybe it's time to put the "nurse from Hell hat" on and be a little more forceful and tell him just how you really feel. It worked for me 4 years ago when I got the same advice from a very compassionate poster. Of course I cried all the way home in the car afterwards. You can always apologize later if it doesn't work. There is just so much a person should be expected to endure. Caregiving is a tough job and CG's need a little care, too. Maybe you could talk to his therapist or his doctor and see if they have suggestions. Also, try to think of something nice to do for You! Chocolate comes to mind, or maybe a lunch date with a friend or a funny movie?


Anne-Marie
CG to son, Paul (age 33, non-smoker) SCC Stage 2, Surgery 9/21/06, 1/6 tongue Rt.side removed, +48 lymph nodes neck. IMRTx28 completed 12/19/06. CT scan 7/8/10 Cancer-free! ("spot" on lung from scar tissue related to Pneumonia.)



Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
CMMoore Offline OP
Gold Member (200+ posts)
OP Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
Thanks Anne-Marie. I have taken a definitely firmer stand against his offenses. Should he choose to go it alone, that's fine. Should he want to go it with me, then the abuse has to stop.
That's how it feels, like emotional abuse.
No one has the right to treat me that way, cancer or no cancer.


CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 99
Supporting Member (50+ posts)
Offline
Supporting Member (50+ posts)

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 99
So glad to see you are still posting Christine. And I agree totally with your last post. I think when we finally have the courage to stand up for ourselves it will strike a cord with our loved ones and we also feel better about ourselves. I hope you experience that senerio. It amazes me when I read these posts and see our own situation playing out with all of you too. It helps me and I am sure helps you too to know others have walked the same path. One of those verbally negative drives several of you described is what broke the dam for me and I have been going to see a pychol. and amazingly without me saying a word Emmett stopped being verbally abusive, immediately - I think it scared him to realize that I needed help and he wasn't so sure of me anymore. I'll post another thread on this experience. Hang in there - I hope for many good days you both will share.


CG 2 Emmett,7/09 DX SCC rt tongue. T2N1M0, 1 node, marg neg.4/10 PET/CT clear, 9/10 C back. 10/10 Rad hemi, 2 tmrs mod diff. resec flr of mth. Flap 4 nodes/w/ext cap. 11/10 Peg, CX3 HD, 30 rad. 1/31 & 3/21 6/11/11 - PET/CT "activity" 9/11-all Clear. 12/11 peg out. 2/15 still all clear! 9/14 Prostate cancer treated with pencil beam proton therapy, best radiation experience. Keep it in mind as a treatment option for all tumors that can be seen including head and neck.
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
CMMoore Offline OP
Gold Member (200+ posts)
OP Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
Thanks Karen! I don't think I can really stop. This is my outlet. I don't have other people in my life that can really understand what cancer does to a family when it's like this.
I know that sometimes, even if I don't get responses, people are reading and relating to things that happen.
It's life. It's ugly and challenging and real and none of us are alone in it.


CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 638
klo Offline
"OCF Down Under"
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Offline
"OCF Down Under"
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 638
It is very difficult sometimes when we vent and end up making our loved ones appear ungrateful or foolish. I have done it many times to Alex, who, luckily for me, has seen it as my way of unloading some of my crap and has not taken it personally.

Equally, as hard as it is, we have to try to do the same thing. We need to understand that the abusive behaviour (assuming it is not the norm)is not actually a personal attack (although at the time it feels VERY personal). Easier said than done, I know, and and eventually we get pushed beyond our limits and snap because it is extraordinarily difficult to be battered day after day when we too are going through hell.

The above words are what I know I should have done. However, I could not when I was there myself. I read Alex the riot act at his lowest point because I had reached the end of my own tether at the same time. Walking away from it all seemed to be the only way to save my own sanity and get away from this childish/abusive/ungrateful b*$#!*d.

So whilst I chose the worst possible moment to do it (a good moment just never came up whilst I was working my way down to the end of that rope), the alternative of walking away with no explanation would have been so much worse.

I DO understand where your husband is at though - he feels like nobody/you knows what it is like to be in his skin and is lashing out. On top of that, the one person he relies on is sharing all the dirty laundry with strangers, making him look like a monster (in his eyes, not ours). He possibly thinks your forum friends are egging you on (you used to be such a nice girl until these interfering cows on the forum got in your ear :)). He is also a man and I am betting he is more the strong silent type than the heart on sleeve sort of person. If he is a "manly" man, he might not understand that women talk about everything, in detail and at great length. He sees on the forum what is normally hidden because we have our gabfests when the men (or manly men anyway) are gathered around the BBQ discussing their lives loves and troubles in three word sentences.

What he is unaware of, or aware of but unable to consider because he is too busy fighting for his own life, is that this is your way of staying sane enough to allow you to go back into the fray and look out for his needs.

We all understand your issues, and all support both of you, but for your own sanity keep reading even if you don't write.

Karen


Karen
Love of Life to Alex T4N2M0 SCC Tonsil, BOT, R lymph nodes
Dx March 2010 51yrs. Unresectable. HPV+ve
Tx Chemo x 3+1 cycles(cisplatin,docetaxel,5FU)- complete May 31
Chemoradiation (IMRTx35 + weekly cisplatin)
Finish Aug 27
Return to work 2 years on
3 years out Aug 27 2013 NED smile
Still underweight
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,940
"OCF across the pond"
Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)
Offline
"OCF across the pond"
Patient Advocate (1000+ posts)

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,940
I have said many times that if i hadnt walked away from Robin when i did,i would never have had the strength to walk the last mile with him.Of course at the time i left we didnt know he would be dead within a few weeks,we didnt even know he was terminal.So somehow fate threw us a lifeline and his abuse reached a peak on my birthday countered with all the love from my friends and family and i snapped.If he hadnt got sick again so quickly,i dont know what i would have done,and i guess i never will maybe its just as well.


Liz in the UK

Husband Robin aged 44 years Dx 8th Dec 2006 poorly differentiated SCC tongue with met to neck T1N2cM0 Surgery and Radiation.Finished TX April 2007
Recurrence June/07 died July 29th/07.

Never take your eye off the ball, it may just smack you in the mouth.
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 531
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 531
it's OK Ron thinks it would be better for him to just die so I can have a better life since I'm only going to be 55. he don't want to have the surgery to remove the cancer (still waiting on biopsy report today) from his jawbone and have a bone replaced there, said he don't want to go thru it. Also he has a spot on his lung 3 cm he has Thoracic apt on Tuesday. he is having pity party all by himself, i'm sure you saw yesterday my son's gf posted a video of our granddaughters on his lap singing with him, we told him he is being selfish and he says the grand kids won't remember him anyway...nice right? so ya, here I go. I told him bout everybody here and how they are still glad to be alive even with all the scars and wounds and reconstructive surgeries. I don't know what to do but one thing I did tell him, if he is giving up than he will not do it in my home. He told my son's gf he would move to his mom's house,avoid us all and die, ya right she's 78 yrs old...she won't be able to handle that and we told him we would never leave him alone and just forget about him. Men...!


CG to Ron
Out of Pain 4/3/13
4/12-lung and under chin growth no treatment
1/13/12 lung biopsy
6/11 recur 6/30 resection #2 Clear margins
Clear 12/10
Surg 5/13/10 neck dis/nodes part gloss/flap R thigh all teeth out
RAD 30 8/10
DX 4/2/10 "Oral Cavity" T3NOMO
12/28/07 Non Hodg Lymph remission 7/08
passed away 4.3.15, RIP Ron, you are greatly missed
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 571
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)
Offline
"Above & Beyond" Member (500+ posts)

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 571
Hi Suez, I read this post after responding to your other post about Ron's recurrence. Play that video over and over while he's in the room, talk about all the milestones that are coming up for your granddaughters, how wonderful it will be for you all to be there for them, how much they enjoy him, how much they remind you of how he looks or the way he does something. Have them spend time together as much as possible.

Maybe this will help: Going through it is temporary. Sure, it won't be easy, and the recovery won't either, but he's been through quite a bit already...he might as well keep treating it. No sense in giving up after all he's been through already. And, if he changes his mind later...it might be too late and that's when things will take a turn for the horrific. Better to take care of it now while it's still an option. Get through it and move on to recovery and being a survivor again. Nothing is as permanent and as hopeless as being 6 feet under.

Oh, caregivers get the brunt of patient's emotions, huh? It sure hurts sometimes. Where did the man go? Cancer took him away. But, maybe we can help bring him back. Wishing all of you great success and lots of peace.


Ex-spouse MISDIAGNOSED with SCC-HN IVa 12/10. Tonsils out 1/11. 4 teeth out 2/11. TX Erbitux x2, IMRT x2 2/11. 2nd opinion-benign BCC-NOT CANCER 3/11. TX stopped 3/11. New doctors 4/11. ENT agrees with 2nd opinion 5/11. ENT scoped him-all clear 7/11. Ordered MRI anyway. MRI 8/22/11 Result-all clear.
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
CMMoore Offline OP
Gold Member (200+ posts)
OP Offline
Gold Member (200+ posts)

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 280
Suez - I get that a lot too... He will say I should just leave and get a head start on my life without him.
I haven't been through all this hell just to give up now! This is OUR cancer buddy, like it or not.


CG to my husband, Matt. Dx June 2009 Stage IV Oropharengeal SCC right tonsil primary with distant metastases. Rad to neck- Surgeries to lungs- Every avail chemo - ran out of options Jan 2012, called for hospice help Feb 2012, at rest March 19, 2012.
Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Top Posters
ChristineB 10,507
davidcpa 8,311
Cheryld 5,260
EzJim 5,260
Brian Hill 4,912
Newest Members
Jina, VintageMel, rahul320, Sean916, Megm37
13,103 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums23
Topics18,166
Posts196,919
Members13,103
Most Online458
Jan 16th, 2020
OCF Awards

Great Nonprofit OCF 2023 Charity Navigator OCF Guidestar Charity OCF

Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5