My oh my... what a rocky, twisted, hilly road we travel my friends...

I find myself repeating things. While I have the patience to handle it well thus far, I don't know what causes his memory lapses. He's lost hearing in his right ear. I am learning to adjust my volume based on what side of him I am on.
Today, he sent me a text saying he just searched the house and yard for me for twenty minutes before he realized that I was still at work.

Pray for me friends, and for Matt that this not going to be permanent. I think it would break my heart if the best of things is already going...

It's called "chemo-brain" but I think there is a lot more going on as both Alex and I have it whilst only one of us actually received chemo

You have probably noticed he can't concentrate on much either - my Alex has only just started reading his epics again and is also watching TV shows with complicated plot lines after a year of "take your brain out and put it on the table" light entertainment shows. It never affected his motivation to watch fully grown men running around after a slightly squashed looking piece of pigskin though

I am told it improves with time but in the meantime, I cringe when he uses the mandolin to slice vegetables, and hyperventilate when he's decides to drive.

Ladies, the stress takes a toll on our memory. I am finally getting out of the habit of asking my 11-year-old if he has any homework four or five times an evening (he always tells me...I just don't remember asking him or hearing his answer!) There are so many other things to think about...it is memory overload.

I think Joel has lost hearing in his right ear as well. Hearing loss is a side-effect of Cisplatin, right? Joel had Erbitux so I know it isn't the chemo. He's had that hearing problem for the latter part of our 27 year marriage. I've been told that it's a common affliction for husbands who have done a lot of driving with their wife in the car (Non-USA friends: think about where the steering wheel is located in American cars...)

Hang in there, Chris...I'll be keeping you and Matt in my prayers!

I can't be stressed - Alex doesn't believe such a thing exists . When he told me this last week as we were walking away from the "group hug", I did have to ask him what thought was causing his abnormal behaviour that day.

I had just put up with him muttering in the car on the way, asking me why I had chosen the lane I had. Apparently I was supposed to pick the far right lane to avoid being slowed down by those merging from the far left into the middle due to parked cars. This, when I was turning left at the end of the block (one day I will drop him off and let him walk and THEN he will truly know what stress is!). Kept his head down so he didn't have to talk to the doctors as they came out of the meeting. Muttered because reception wasn't there to greet him and book him in but refused to let her know he was there when she finally showed up choosing instead to wait till last so he REALLY had something to complain about. How disappointed he must have been to be called first anyway. Refused to talk to our cancer co-ordinator, made flippant and misleading remarks to the ENT trying to find out how he was doing and apparently not suffering from stress.

All sweetness and light the next day, and when he met me and a friend for coffee told the friend what a horror he had been the previous day. Not stressed though.

Karen - My driving ability was also in question while driving my son to and from his Rad Tx. I think it's just one of the side effects of what cancer does to a survivor. When he was feeling really, really bad, he was very quiet so when he started complaining about my driving, I took that as a slight improvement in his condition. Maybe the complaining is a way of concentrating on something other than the cancer or something he could control in some small way. What a nice comment Alex made to the friend - which of course was really an affirmation of how much he appreciates and loves you!

I too find myself absent minded and a little scary behind the wheel of a vehicle. Thankfully most of my business is close to home.
I suppose chemo brain is likely since he's been getting dosed since March. No telling when it will stop.

I've offended my dear husband by voicing my concerns and worries.
I am sure that he'd rather I not post any further.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your words of kindness and knowledge. I've leaned on your support more than I thought possible!

Love and hugs - Christine

I'm so sorry to hear that, Christine - you have been such a caring participant with us and the love and concern you've shown for Matt has always been very evident. I do hope that none of us has offended him in any way and that there are better and more peaceful days ahead for you both. Love and hugs right back to you!

Oh Christine, at least he reads this. Ron won't even look at this site let alone listen to me or what I have to say. I dread tomorrow...

I don't know what to think... he's seeing a therapist now. That's good. But he comes home from a visit to her and I wake at 4 am to him whispering in my hear that I don't love him, I hate him, why do I hang on through all this shit.
I don't know what the f to do. To me, that is one stupid MF if he doesn't realize I love his stubborn ass.
Is it some play to try and make me leave? IDK, but it's making me fing weary deep inside when I need all the strength I can muster.

Well, that's good that a therapist is involved, now. Sometimes it's easier to take advice from an objective 3rd party than from the person that loves him the most. Sounds like he's really testing your love and dedication. Maybe it's time to put the "nurse from Hell hat" on and be a little more forceful and tell him just how you really feel. It worked for me 4 years ago when I got the same advice from a very compassionate poster. Of course I cried all the way home in the car afterwards. You can always apologize later if it doesn't work. There is just so much a person should be expected to endure. Caregiving is a tough job and CG's need a little care, too. Maybe you could talk to his therapist or his doctor and see if they have suggestions. Also, try to think of something nice to do for You! Chocolate comes to mind, or maybe a lunch date with a friend or a funny movie?

Thanks Anne-Marie. I have taken a definitely firmer stand against his offenses. Should he choose to go it alone, that's fine. Should he want to go it with me, then the abuse has to stop.
That's how it feels, like emotional abuse.
No one has the right to treat me that way, cancer or no cancer.

So glad to see you are still posting Christine. And I agree totally with your last post. I think when we finally have the courage to stand up for ourselves it will strike a cord with our loved ones and we also feel better about ourselves. I hope you experience that senerio. It amazes me when I read these posts and see our own situation playing out with all of you too. It helps me and I am sure helps you too to know others have walked the same path. One of those verbally negative drives several of you described is what broke the dam for me and I have been going to see a pychol. and amazingly without me saying a word Emmett stopped being verbally abusive, immediately - I think it scared him to realize that I needed help and he wasn't so sure of me anymore. I'll post another thread on this experience. Hang in there - I hope for many good days you both will share.

Thanks Karen! I don't think I can really stop. This is my outlet. I don't have other people in my life that can really understand what cancer does to a family when it's like this.
I know that sometimes, even if I don't get responses, people are reading and relating to things that happen.
It's life. It's ugly and challenging and real and none of us are alone in it.

It is very difficult sometimes when we vent and end up making our loved ones appear ungrateful or foolish. I have done it many times to Alex, who, luckily for me, has seen it as my way of unloading some of my crap and has not taken it personally.

Equally, as hard as it is, we have to try to do the same thing. We need to understand that the abusive behaviour (assuming it is not the norm)is not actually a personal attack (although at the time it feels VERY personal). Easier said than done, I know, and and eventually we get pushed beyond our limits and snap because it is extraordinarily difficult to be battered day after day when we too are going through hell.

The above words are what I know I should have done. However, I could not when I was there myself. I read Alex the riot act at his lowest point because I had reached the end of my own tether at the same time. Walking away from it all seemed to be the only way to save my own sanity and get away from this childish/abusive/ungrateful b*$#!*d.

So whilst I chose the worst possible moment to do it (a good moment just never came up whilst I was working my way down to the end of that rope), the alternative of walking away with no explanation would have been so much worse.

I DO understand where your husband is at though - he feels like nobody/you knows what it is like to be in his skin and is lashing out. On top of that, the one person he relies on is sharing all the dirty laundry with strangers, making him look like a monster (in his eyes, not ours). He possibly thinks your forum friends are egging you on (you used to be such a nice girl until these interfering cows on the forum got in your ear :)). He is also a man and I am betting he is more the strong silent type than the heart on sleeve sort of person. If he is a "manly" man, he might not understand that women talk about everything, in detail and at great length. He sees on the forum what is normally hidden because we have our gabfests when the men (or manly men anyway) are gathered around the BBQ discussing their lives loves and troubles in three word sentences.

What he is unaware of, or aware of but unable to consider because he is too busy fighting for his own life, is that this is your way of staying sane enough to allow you to go back into the fray and look out for his needs.

We all understand your issues, and all support both of you, but for your own sanity keep reading even if you don't write.

Karen

I have said many times that if i hadnt walked away from Robin when i did,i would never have had the strength to walk the last mile with him.Of course at the time i left we didnt know he would be dead within a few weeks,we didnt even know he was terminal.So somehow fate threw us a lifeline and his abuse reached a peak on my birthday countered with all the love from my friends and family and i snapped.If he hadnt got sick again so quickly,i dont know what i would have done,and i guess i never will maybe its just as well.

it's OK Ron thinks it would be better for him to just die so I can have a better life since I'm only going to be 55. he don't want to have the surgery to remove the cancer (still waiting on biopsy report today) from his jawbone and have a bone replaced there, said he don't want to go thru it. Also he has a spot on his lung 3 cm he has Thoracic apt on Tuesday. he is having pity party all by himself, i'm sure you saw yesterday my son's gf posted a video of our granddaughters on his lap singing with him, we told him he is being selfish and he says the grand kids won't remember him anyway...nice right? so ya, here I go. I told him bout everybody here and how they are still glad to be alive even with all the scars and wounds and reconstructive surgeries. I don't know what to do but one thing I did tell him, if he is giving up than he will not do it in my home. He told my son's gf he would move to his mom's house,avoid us all and die, ya right she's 78 yrs old...she won't be able to handle that and we told him we would never leave him alone and just forget about him. Men...!

Hi Suez, I read this post after responding to your other post about Ron's recurrence. Play that video over and over while he's in the room, talk about all the milestones that are coming up for your granddaughters, how wonderful it will be for you all to be there for them, how much they enjoy him, how much they remind you of how he looks or the way he does something. Have them spend time together as much as possible.

Maybe this will help: Going through it is temporary. Sure, it won't be easy, and the recovery won't either, but he's been through quite a bit already...he might as well keep treating it. No sense in giving up after all he's been through already. And, if he changes his mind later...it might be too late and that's when things will take a turn for the horrific. Better to take care of it now while it's still an option. Get through it and move on to recovery and being a survivor again. Nothing is as permanent and as hopeless as being 6 feet under.

Oh, caregivers get the brunt of patient's emotions, huh? It sure hurts sometimes. Where did the man go? Cancer took him away. But, maybe we can help bring him back. Wishing all of you great success and lots of peace.

Suez - I get that a lot too... He will say I should just leave and get a head start on my life without him.
I haven't been through all this hell just to give up now! This is OUR cancer buddy, like it or not.