Hey everyone, just wanted to say hi. Last week was a year since my diagnosis and I have an upcoming PET scan (date to be determined pending insurance approval). Though I don't post on here often I do check it almost daily; keeping up with how everyone else is doing. I guess I don't post much because one I am still dealing with my own demons with depression and two I don't want to say how well I'm doing and jynx things!

I am very thankful for everyone on this board and the support that you have provided along the way. We didn't ask to be a member of this club but it is comforting knowing that we are not alone and that there are people who have walked in our shoes. Overall I am doing well, working out, eating well, working, dating etc. Trying to stay positive and not worry about what the future has in store. I even have a theme song it's "war of my life" by John Mayer. It's a great song and picks me up when I need it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo5bX8rgT4U

It's weird though I am happy to be alive and thankful for the percentage of odds that modern medicine has given us for a fighting chance at this horrible disease; I seem to be overwhelmed with sadness this past week. I had posted on my facebook about being 1 year out from diagnosis and people kept chiming saying happy anniversary. Though i was thankful for there kind words I couldn't help but be saddened by this. I know some of you talk about having a new birthday from diagnosis or when treatment ends; but I can't help but feel a sense of mourning at this time; hopefully as time goes by I may change my mind but I feel that this is a sad date rather than something to celebrate. I feel as though a part of me has died and I still mourn my former life. Don't get me wrong I am happy to be alive and I am willing to except the new norm; but I guess I will always reflect on this time of year as the passing of my former self. The young healthy man I once was (diagnosed at 38 way too young), full of optimism ready to take on the world with no fear is gone. I realize bad things happen to good people everyday and I know it could be worse; but I can't help but look at this time of my life as a great loss. I'm still trying to find the lessons in all of this and try to make lemonade out of lemons or what ever that saying is!

Anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts with some people who really, really understand! I just was wondering if anyone else feels the same around the time of year they were diagnosed?

I guess like the song says "it's a war of our lives and we have no choice but to fight on"!! Take care! Big Hugs!

Charles

Charles ,

You and I see things so very differently. I was younger then you when I was diagnosed at 33. I was just months away from national recognition in my job that would've allowed me so many options in my life and benefits to my family when cancer stole that life from me.

My life now? Amazing. I view my experience as a blessing in so many ways its difficult to remember the life I had before. I'm a different man in more then just the way I look and sound...but the way I think and view life.

Every minute with my family is a gift, every minute chasing my dreams , creating memories, living...so sweet no matter how bitter the dish.

For me I stopped grieving my losses and started counting my blessings and realized I'm a pretty lucky man.

Eric

I think it is extremely important to be sensitive to the fact that this disease is very traumatic for all going through it no matter the age you are when diagnosed, which surgeries and treatments you did or did not have. It isn't a competition.

The truth is that this is a very difficult thing for anyone to go through period. Being depressed after treatments end is a very real experience for many of us.

It is hard to deal with the aftermath of this disease- its physical effects (which have effected us all in different ways, speech, talking on the phone, meeting new people, scars) are a constant reminder and then there is a very real psychological aspect as well.

Because one feels sad or depressed doesn't neccesarily mean they are feeling sorry for themselves or not dealing with thier situation the best they can.

Charles- I still get very down sometimes too. Life can be very challenging sometimes for me at times. I understand what you mean about having to celebrate an anniversary of a sad date. It is odd at first but you will come to embrace it as a time to reflect upon all you have accomplished since that time and it is a reminder of all the things to be thankful for in your life. I do think it is good advice to try and celebrate each day of this new life you have been given- no matter how hard it can be to do some days.

Congratulation from me on your year anniversary and may you have continued good health and recovery.

KATE

I also love that you have a theme song! Great way to get through the tough days. Hang in there!!! Kate

Charles

Our identities are shaped by the stories we contruct, the narratives we develop to understand the trials and tribulations that make up our lives. Where we chose to place ourselves in these narratives in large part is up to us. Imagine the lone survivor of a horrible train crash who lost a limb in the accident while everyone else died. Was his a story of miraculous survival and stunning good fortune or a story of tragedy, disability, and loss? The choice is yours brother.
I wish you what your theme song croons
[quote]No more suffering
No more pain
Never again[/quote]
Keep the Faith
Charm

Hi Charles,

I can empathise with your outlook. Everytime I have surgery or treatment I mourn for what I have lost. It is hard not to look back and see the person that you once were. I miss my smile, eating, drinking, my ability to articulate clearly, how I used to look and the ease of social interactions and phone calls. Even little things like whistling and barracking at the football. All of the things that other people take for granted, I mourn for. My pity party doesn't usually last long but I think we've earned the right to have the occasional 'why me' moment.

Once I get over that I am able to celebrate the good that remains in my life. I am grateful for my family and the friends who have stood by me. I can walk, travel, go out and find a way to do most things. I celebrate achievements that I once took for granted. I don't count my anniversaries, but then I've never gone a full year without a recurrence. If I ever do then I may just pour a bottle of champagne down my PEG! This disease has taught me to cherish and value every day, to live in the moment and to take nothing for granted!

Sue G

My personal experience is that it helps to know that there are others that have traveled a similar road that I have and are still in pursuit of their own happiness.

and I for one am really glad this isn't a competition, I don't think I'd like to get a recurrence to move up in the rankings and lord knows what it would take to win

As for John Mayer, the opening verse to "I don't trust myself" sums me up. Mayer is a true artist and a hell of a poet in my humble opinion.