I realize you're being sarcastic, yet I'd just like to say that the mouthwash can't be what caused my cancer. I always hated the idea/taste of the stuff growing up, so I never used it. In recent years I started using a whitening mouthwash, but it's alcohol-free. Researchers are going to have to come up with a different theory for me. :\

9.29.08: Dx @ 24 w/ T2 SCC, tongue
10.14.08: Partial gloss. & r. neck dissection. Margins/nodes all clear. No HPV. No rad.
10.06.09: Recurrence in l. lymphnode
11.16.09: L. neck dissection + lost nerve XII
12.28.09: 33xIMRT w/ concurrent 3xCisplatin (no PEG)
02.15.10: Done with treatment!