This may sound strange,, but I do not believe the enormity of what has happened to me has sunk in yet.

I am also suffering of a rare immune disorder called Dermatomysotis (DM for short). It was the trigger to find the cancer. DM affects the proximal muscles as I have lost my ability to walk upstairs, can no longer drive, need a wheelchair to go out in public, etc.

So the cancer diagnosis sort of "fell into place", and the doctors did what they "are trained to do". am now waiting for the follow-ups.

The radiation treatment was awful (the medieval mask), and the Eubirox affected me tremendously with the acne like rash. But all in all it sort of went as predicted. I am now dealing with the mucous and PEG side effects that everyne talks about.

Having been forced to stop working (I am on disability) my connection to the world sort of "ended". I spend the days lookig for a way to stay busy, and frankly I am getting depressed (I have sought professional help).

All professionals tell me that once the cancer is dealt with, with a LOT of physsicasl therapy, the effects of the DM can be reduced. But the effort I know I have in front of me on this front scares me.

I am BLESSED with a care giver wife who has been a rock, and a daughter who is developmentally challenged but also rose to the occasion to help in the 33 trips to the radiation hospital.

But I now am asking myself why I don't feel some further elation or fear over what the cancer could have caused.

Am I a loonie? Or is it the fact that my DM issues are still ahead and I do not know better?