Dear Michelle,
I am so sorry that your best friend has disappointed you so badly. That is very sad. And how damn frustrating to hear all those plattitudes from people who are just trying to convince themselves that they don't need to be seriously worried. That's awful! I, too, remember those instances.
Although almost everyone around me was incredibly wonderful, there was one other person who I "was sure" I could count on--but I was wrong! One day she called to say "Hi, how's it going?" And although I rarely said this to anyone, I admitted to her that actually I was at home alone right then and could really benefit from some company, or at least a little cheering up. Her reply was, "Well, when you feel that way, what it means is that you actually need to spend more time alone with yourself." So you see, sometimes a so-called friend totally makes up things about us to give themselves permission to stay away. Sure sounded lofty and confident, but the comment cut me like a knife. I just started crying and hung up. Never heard from her again until we ran into each other socially and were polite and cold to each other. It's so sad to have to grieve the loss of who we THOUGHT that friend was. But I still think we're better off knowing the truth about that person. At least we won't waste any time on them. I do try not to harbor negative feelings, though. Maybe you can just shut the plattitudes and disappearing friend into a compartment in your brain/heart that's labelled "ignorant for now--too bad they will have to learn the hard way, but it's their choice, not mine." Then try to let it go, for the sake of your own peace of mind. They are not worth the energy they're draining from you. I wish I didn't say these things from my own sad experience, but at least you know that I totally empathize with you. I wonder if you'd feel better if you actually responded to one of those "all will be fine"-type comments. Like, "Even the doctors, the experts, can't tell me that everything's going to be fine. So please! Please just help me get my fears off my chest--do you have a moment now to help me just by listening? I so appreciate your caring about us and I know you really want to help."
As for your earlier losses to cancer, my gosh! You have had so many ordeals with this condition! My heart goes out to you. I lost my grandfather to lung cancer and two very dear girlfriends to other types of cancer. But your nanny and then your mom! That is just too much. I really am sorry you have to go through this. There's no such thing as a silly vent, dear friend. You just get it right out there and we will help you deal with it!!
The great news is the medical science, though. This changes the picture--it's radically better now!!! Your husband is SO lucky to have you!!! You are both in my prayers. Try to get enough rest to calm yourself and replenish your coping energy. We all care about you, so please keep us posted on how things are going, okay?
Carol
