Hi guys,

First of all, thanks for all the good wishes you guys have sent my way. They certainly help.

OK, so I went in today for my possible 2nd neck dissection after the needle biopsy 2 weeks ago was inconclusive. My regular doctor had his retina detach, so coulldn't do the surgery. Yesterday, we met with his associate and went ahead with the procedure today. He was able to get a good tissue speciman that went to pathology-I was under full general anethesia because they were going to proceed with dissection if malignant. Well, they still can't get a conclusive pathology on this. It is a mass with 2 different atypical cells characteristic of spindle and squamous but not definitively showing up as malignant but I get the feeling they are pretty sure the cancer is back. As for the mass, they cannot safely resect it - it is too close to the subclavian artery and is wrapped around my collarbone and is just starting to touch the top of my lung. This does not sound good but I am trying to remain positive. My family is freaking out - I know I will be embarrassed to see this new doctor again, because I believe my husband was not very subtle when he told him to please communicate with him in layman terms - this is a young doctor who hasn't yet learned how to talk to all different people - he's a walking textbook as far as terminology goes.

Anyway, we now await more extensive pathology results and maybe we'll know more by Friday. Next week, we'll meet and discuss further treatment options - it is getting scary when surgery and radiation is taken out of the equation, however, he did say there was someone we could talk to about re-irradiating and there are chemo and drug therapy options. So far, my lungs are clear but I shudder when I think about leaving this mass in there to grow.

Anyway, they let me come home late this afternoon after about an hour in recovery. Usually I am very sick after general anethesia, but they gave me Zofran beforehand and I feel fine tonight. The hardest part was going without water till they finally gave me some ice chips about 4:00 this afternoon - I had not had water since midnight of course. I know that's the way it has to be, but it's hard. I only have about a 2 inch incision and he stitched that up from the inside and glued the outside. My shoulder is what is hurting the most but I have pain meds for that. I'll be glad when we know exactly what's in store, but I have a feeling this is going to be a hard fight. I don't understand how you can feel so good and have this mess happening. I have absolutely no other health issues, feel great, have lots of energy. Just started back to college after 25 years and absolutely love it, am doing well in my classes - have to brag just a little - took an Anatomy and Physiology exam yesterday under all this stress, didn't study over the weekend as extensively as I normally would have and made an 88 on the lecture exam and an 89 on the Lab exam. I love the subject, want to be a dietition and care for head/neck patients, thought I was good to go after 3 years clear and now the hammer has fallen. I will get my head around this and deal. The worst part is dealing with children's and husband's reactions. My kids are older - 22, 18 and 16 but they are just old enough to know this could be bad.

Thanks everyone for listening - I know you all are dealing with same issues - at least we have somewhere to get these feelings out. I'm thinking about each of you as I write. Can I scream now?- I HATE THIS DAMN DISEASE OK all better

Love,

Pam