3 1/2 years ago I was - after a year of trying to find out why my tongue was so painful - diagnosed with oral cancer. In April 2004 I had a partial glossectomy and 32 radiation treatments. At the time, they said that one lymph node showed a microscopic involvement therefore the radiation was required. I worked hard at putting aside all my anger at the incompetence I encountered while trying to find out what was wrong, and after 9 months I went back to work. In time, I even quit sticking my fingers in my mouth every twenty minutes. Shortly after my treatment, I told myself that I had "worked through" all the mortality issues surrounding cancer and that I was prepared to face whatever came my way. Now I realize how much I was deluding myself!!!!

This spring I started getting severe tongue pain on the other side of my mouth. I again started the ping pong doctor visits and eventually had a biopsy at the end of June which came back as a non cancerous irritation. This was followed by more dentists visits, visits with radiation oncology and my g.p. There HAD to be a reason and treatment for my tongue pain. This path led me back to my surgeon who, in August, said the area had changed significantly - time for a serious indepth biopsy under general anesthesia. This was done on Thursday and I get the results on Sept 24th. Surgeon said MRI was clear so if it is there it is "likely" on the surface, but the area did look - in his words - suspicious.

No, it is not easier the 2nd time around. I still struggle with the why me question. Yes, I used to smoke. Millions of people smoke however and do not get this. And yes, I used to drink but only socially and have, since my surgery 3 years ago become basically an abstainer. My alcohol intake is limited to maybe 10 drinks / beer a YEAR.

And no, turns out i didn't work through the mortality issues the first time. That gut wrenching fear. I read all of your posts and what you have been through and I don't know whether to post in the special WHINERS section, or the Survivors section or the Anger and Fear section. I admire so many of you. I lurk and read what you have been through, and I truly AM grateful for the last 3 1/2 years. I am grateful for so many things - our healthcare system which makes it possible for me to get full care at no cost, grateful for my supportive family and friends, grateful to have gotten to be this age with two wonderful kids. So many people have not been as fortunate.

So why the panic at a recurrance. Why am I having a hard time getting my head around the idea that cancer may be - for alot of us - a chronic disease. I feel lost.

I also feel embarassed at even telling family or friends what is going on. They went above and beyond the first time. How much can one tax them? And if it comes back negative, how seriously will people take me if the next time I go through this same panic scenario.

Help me get my head back on straight!!

Donna