Mellay,
I went through the same phase you are going through now. I had a 9,11 and 13 year old still at home and my life was consumed with fear and fear and more fear. I was so certain I was going to die that I couldn't stay in a room with my husband and all the girls, I would start crying thinking of them without me. I spent ALL my time online, looking up all the horrible, scary statistics and info concerning our type of cancer. I had this constant feeling of homesickness, like I was missing something so horribly and it made me so depressed. I finally figured out that I was missing ME, the ME before cancer. The life I had before my life was threatened and my certainty of reaching the age of 80 was shaken to the core. It was a long process but I slowly said goodbye to the old me and embraced the new me and my new life. Allow yourself to grieve and know it's a very natural process.
Minnie

SCC Left Mandible. Jaw replaced with bone from leg. Neck disection, 37 radiation treatments. Recurrence 8-28-07, stage 2, tongue. One third of tongue removed 10-4-07. 5-23-08 chemo started for tumor behind swallowing passage, Our good friend and much loved OCF member Minnie has been lost to the disease (RIP 10-29-08). We will all miss her greatly.