I'm hoping that today will be a better day for my mom. I've been here before, but in many respects it was easier the first time around. I pray that both she and I will have the patience to deal with the sore tongue, eating issues and her persistent fear and negativity. Her being negative is so unlike her, that in itself leaves me feeling a bit confused. Please understand, I am not complaining, I don't quite know what I am feeling...insecure? During the first phase of her tx's she and I both just forged forward. I laughingly referred to her as the Fighting Irish Woman. Now she has become a ball of fear and tears. I have been told she needs to stay home, because of her temp trach...can't help but wonder why the hell it is still there?!? She has it capped more than 3/4 qtrs of the time. I have seen how much she thrives on being with other people, unfortunately, I find myself having difficultly calling people to come by to visit. I am very frustrated with family and friends. VERY upset about it, sure they call once and a while but it's not the same as them offering to drop by. I don't feel very comfortable calling and asking them to come over,I can hear them almost sigh. I haven't asked for a lot from anyone, only my poor kids, dad and Ed. Our (meaning OCF) friend, Jerry, came by on Monday and brought a lovely bouquet for mom...can't tell you how much it meant to her. I don't mean just the flowers of course, the time and the compassion he shared were such a gift. (Thank you Jerry!) I guess I am just going to have to bite the bullet and call people? I really don't want to do that. I have such a bad taste in my mouth right now about even trying to get through a conversation with them. Even when some people have called, all they do is complain about things that really shouldn't be an issue, it's becoming tiring. My grandmother who called constantly, found her way here almost 4 times a wk, has taken to calling and complaining about how her house hasn't been really cleaned since early spring....which was when mom went over and tore everything apart. She's 90 and taking down drapes herself. If something happens to her I am going to go insane. I need to call my mom's brother to tell him about what she is doing, and maybe he can nicely tell her not to call and tell mom about it.
I sound like a horrible person complaining. I know I need help. I will find a way to get through all of this, I always do, especially with help from everyone here.
Thanks for any advice you can offer. I don't know if I have made any sense, hopefully you can read through my craziness. I am in a bad hole, can't see the light, and find myself bearing my teeth a lot. Not at all like me.