Wow these are intense questions. There are no real answers but only experiences. So here is my stab...

1. One moment at a time. The guilt creeps in usually not an all at one time rush so you deal with it moment by moment. I always tried to remind myself that it was me in a way. That the cancer was a family disease and it affected us all. Maybe my life wasn't threatened in the physical sense but the life we had was and if I tried to tackle it all at once it would be overwhelming. So one step at a time. When the guilt feeling begins to rise you just have to remind yourself that life isn't fair and try your best.

2. Some can and some can't. It depends on the treatments and how each person reacts to them. My husband could not work from the first tx but after txs has been able to.

3. No one can answer that question. There is no answer. Some right after txs some may take months or years.

4. You need to take the occasional break. Call on your support network and take time off. It is difficult to do but you must force yourself. The disease will beat you both down and someone has to stay strong so take time every now and then. Do something that is relaxing even if you have to force yourself to relax. It will be worth it as time goes by the harder that things become.

5. No one can tell you when to take a break. You will know when you have gone as far as you can but there are warning signs. When your temper becomes so short you don't like yourself, when you are unable to sit without falling asleep, when you cannot see things clearly because you are exhausted. These are just a few but you will know as you go along when you need a break.

6. It is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. There is no way to avoid being depressed when going through this.

7. The way you would want for yourself. Follow your gut. If it doesn't seem right then demand. Don't be afraid. Listen and learn and much as you can so it will be easier to identify what sounds right and wrong. Try to be proactive not reactive. Easier said than done but the more you know the better off you will be so read and learn, listen and takes notes on everything. Even if it is something that seems minor at the time, it might just be something big later on.

8. NO. You must make choices. If your lives took 2 people to live before it is not possible for you to take on all that your spouse was doing before. You and your spouse will have to decide what you can and cannot continue to handle. Yes you might take on a few things that he/she was doing before because you will have to like finances, children, etc. But there will be other things that will just have to be let go. It is not a fair choice but it will have to be made. No one is a super hero and no one should be expected to be. It is best to sit down before txs begin when your spouse is still able to do things and make these choices together. Then as time goes by you will discover that those things that had to be let go aren't so important anymore. It may sound hard at first but over time it will just become the way of your new "normal" life and for some it is almost like a way to clean house of those things that maybe you needed to pass onto others anyway. Look at the responsibilities and decide which are truly yours and your spouses and which are ones you took on just because you had the time or the desire. Those that can be passed on or let go of should be so that those that are necessary can be done.

9. This is the toughest question of all. During txs there is no balance. It is all mostly one sided. Your spouse (the patient) will have little or nothing to give. This is just how it is going to be and it is a sacrifice you made a promise to make when you married. It is the same psomise your spouse made to you and now it is a promise that needs to be kept. As the caregiver, you will have to find your affection and down time away from your marriage. At least for a little while. This cannot be avoided. Some marriages will be strong and make it through coming out better on the the other side than ever before. Others will not survive at all. Cancer is a taker and when there is room it will take everything that is important. If your marriage is strong then you are already ahead of the game. If your marriage was struggling when the diagnosis arrives then the challenges can be greater. Some will survive and others may not. A friend (survivor) told me when my husband was diagnosed that this disease will either bring you closer than you have ever been or it will completely tear you apart. The only way to answer this question is within yourself. Because only you and your spouse know how strong your marriage is. Can a marriage survive this challenge? Absolutely! But not all of them do.

10. Yes for a little while you will be in charge of everything and keeping your spouse involved will depend on your spouse. Talk to each other and ask questions. If your spouse doesn't want to know then don't tell them. If they do then share things with them. There are some of these txs that can make the patient forget things so sometimes they won't be remembered anyway. To keep your spouse involved and not overwhelmed is simply a matter of letting your spouse tell you when they want the information and when they don't care and respecting that decision from them.

11. Never. The life before cancer is gone and will never return to "normal"! BUT... there is a new normal. A new way of living that can be just as good if not better than before cancer. That is all dependant upon attitudes and how you and your spouse decide to start your lives anew after txs. It will depend on how your spouse recovers, complication, etc. but you can find a new normal that works for you and your family if you work on it together.

12. To make things more comfortable listen to your spouse. Take the time to try to understand the pains they will experience. Listen to others and make suggestions. Sometimes you will just have to decide on your own and do it. Information is your best friend in the comfort arena. The more you know the more comfort and ease you can provide.

13. Fear of recurrence is going to be a life long problem. Just approach each day with the view that you have today. None of us are promised a tomorrow and having cancer or being in remission doesn't really change that. If you awake in the morning and make it through the day and are able to say that you made the most of that day then that is really all you can do. You made it through the first round of txs. Then decide to deal with a recurrence IF it happens and not before. Take each step of clean scans and good checkups and don't look for the worst. Smile and be happy for the next day you get. If a recurrence happens you will deal with it the way you did when your spouse was first diagnosed. You weren't sitting around your whole life wondering if you would get cancer, don't sit around waiting for the recurrence. Face that beast IF it faces you and if not then you have to just let it go. We have no control and thus our worry is just wasted precious time.

14. Meds... know everything you can. Get s PDR and keep it handy. Learn about the nausea meds and the various fluids and other things they will give your spouse. When the docs recommend a new medication ask them 20 questions. Also a much ignored reference is your pharmacist. They know more about the drugs sometimes than the docs do it seems. Always check for interactions. Keep a written list of all medications including dosing times and amounts. Last given, etc. You will always need this information if you must go to the hospital. Meds can be the most helpful part of txs but they can also cause the most harm if not managed very carefully and as a caregiver this is something that you can and must do.

Well that is the way I would answer these questions if I were asked them. I hope this helps a little toward what you are looking for.

Cindy