Didier,
my experience was VERY similar to yours. My dad wanted to die at home and through the local hospice society we were able to do that. I also had to arrange for several caregivers besides myself. Like your father, mine had almost insurmountable medical issues. It was a frightening experience for me. I can barely keep a goldfish alive let alone be responsible for very advanced medical care for another human being. My father was lucid and insistent on dying in his own bed and his lawyer made it clear to me that as long as he was capable of making his own decisions, he was in charge so I had no choice but to provide that. He was equally adamant about not going to a hospital.

My caregivers were mediocre at best (some of them stole property and attempted to embezzle us) and I struggled with guilt for years about not doing enough (like taking him into my home). After years of therapy I was set free when the therapist made it clear to me that my responsibility, as a good son, was to insure that he got the proper care, NOT that I had to do it myself. My father was never angry - just a little scared sometimes. He handled it was about as much grace and dignity as I have ever seen.

As everyone responds differently to treatment, people also respond differently emotionally as well (and that includes caregivers). I was just not cut out to be a good caregiver and many of us aren't. Allow yourself that. You got professional care for him when he needed it - you did what you could. I am sure that he has tremendous regrets and probably wasn't even cognizant of the mean things he said to you.

After my father died the entire house to be gutted. It was "moonsuit" stuff. Talk about biohazards.

It sounds to me like you are still in the grief stage (bargaining phase) and once you find your way to acceptance everything will be ok. I can tell you that this will pass eventually - but it never seems to be on our timetable.