I am constantly impressed by Gary's postings. His depth of understanding of many things from the highly technical to the emotional is significant. As to the inability to sleep, I too can relate. I am constantly on a variety of drugs, Ambien and various diazepams to try and get a full night's sleep, but while their impact is there, a full night's sleep never is. Some of this is anxiety related, some of it is related to bathroom visits related to the drinking and xerostomia, some of it is because I just can't shut off the thought process. I will wake at 3AM and my mind will start chewing on a paper or lecture that I have to give in the near future, or to thinking about friends and their cancer issues...which inevitably leads to thoughts of my own medical issues, and anxiety, and it's a vicious circle. I do see someone professionally to try and sort it all out, and of course prescribe the Rx's that I take. I have found that even though I am somewhat able to "reason through" some of this, other parts of it still touch a part inside me that cascades into anxiety. I do miss the tough guy that I used to be, the guy that got through the horrors of the Vietnam experience and so much more. He has been replaced by someone that is aware of the finite nature of my life, and the knowledge that while I can make good decisions about how to approach my future, I cannot with any certainty control it.

Grief takes many different forms. Besides the loss of loved ones, there is grief related to other losses in cancer patients, such as loss of the self that existed mentally or physically before the cancer process. Coping with in in any of its forms is always a process of self discovery.