Thank you Helen.
Dee, please know you are not alone as this holiday approaches. I can't even bring myself to think of the day's activities, yet. I can't sleep and I find myself crying softly at work, sobbing uncontrollably when I am alone at home and trying to force the tears inside each night so I don't wake my husband, but I usually do. I can't even do my Christmas shopping because I keep thinking, "David can't buy Christmas gifts for his little girl anymore." - He always took his time to find the most thoughtful and perfect gift for everyone. That always amazed me - him being a man and all (just a joke, guys). I did get a tree up but Fall and Thanksgiving passed me by. I keep telling myself I have to do these holdiay things for my son - He's 14 and still expects the traditions of the holidays. Then I sit at his basketball games and try to hide my tears because I can't keep my mind on the game, I can only think of David. I know, I need help, but I'm already on an antidepressant and ambien -and I still lie awake at night. I went to one therapist - he just wanted to put me on even MORE medication. I don't think that's my answer. My husband has given me until the first of the new year to get better then he is going to insist upon my getting help. I just love and miss my brother. I tell myself all the usual things - he's in a better place; he's no longer hurting (that helps some because his pain was SO severe) - then I just get mad he had to ever hurt like that at all. I guess the moral of my story is, these are hard times and we need more than just ourselves to get through. Lean on your friends, do something nice for someone who is sick or struggling (this has helped me, too). I really have no answers, but I am here and offer you what little strength I have. Maybe if we can gain a little strength from each person in our lives we will have enough to get through the holidays. I pray your loved ones surround you and remember - they don't have to be family. Seek out friends, old and new. Please email me if you would like - though after reading this post you will probably ask,"Why would I ever want to talk to this depressed of a person." I think alot of my grief stems from the belief that others around me are not grieving enough. David's wife started mentioning to me a guy she would like to date less than 2 months after David passed and says things like, "Sometimes I really miss having someone around to talk to, then I'm like, not really." or "Now I can grow my fingernails long without having to listen to someone gripe about it." She's not trying to be mean, she just doesn't think before she speaks - or think about who she is speaking to for that matter. It just rips my heart open to think she did not love him enough. Well, enough venting. I'm so sorry, I guess I do need to find a professional to talk to this about. May God bless us all.
