Oh Sara, I know what you are going through as I am in a similar situation.

Harry has been finished with treatments since May 05 and it is a daily battle here. He tells me that I am angry all of the time, that I talk down to him, treat him like crap, and he is convinced that I hate him.

He is constantly angry. Throws things around the house, curses at me and screams in my face. He even told me the other day that he made a mistake doing the treatments because I would have been better off if he were dead.

What bothers me the most is that he has said many times that he thinks that while he was sick I wasn't really here for him and he feels like I am not here for him now. The truth is that I have been there every step of the way, through the devestation of the diagnosis to the worst of the treatments.

I was the one who was there pushing him to finish when he thought he couldn't go on. I held him when he said he felt like he was dying. I took him everyday to radiation, stayed at the hospital for hours when he was in house, etc.

The thing that bothers me is that I have never been one to ever desire recognition for what I do. I have always just done these kinds of things because they feel right in my heart, however, in a desperate attempt to keep from losing my marriage I find myself trying to remind him that he never walked this path alone.

Still I often think that this is over and there is not much I can do to save it. Since we are not ripping each other to shreds I don't push the issue but I know now that there is an end to "us". I asked him last night if he was willing to try to do whatever we needed to to save our marriage, if he was willing to work on finding solutions to our problems. He told me he was thinking about it and then never really answered the question.

I know he didn't answer because he is so unhappy here that I doubt he will stay much longer. Sometimes I wonder when it will happen, what will be the trigger, if it will be a calm or nasty experience.

Everyday I wish I had our life back. THe one where we were happy to see each other, called on the phone because we were missing each other, etc. I cry almost daily, sometimes without even knowing it is coming.

You are certainly not alone. What I recognize is that cancer changes some people and not for the better. The I fight for our marriage daily and he is so willing to give up. I am no expert on why he is this way, maybe depression, maybe the near death experience has changed his view. I know the rads have done a number on his memoery which leads to terrible conflicts as I am constantly told that he never said that. I guess he thinks I just make stuff up as I go along.

I am trying to be tolerant and understanding but I am human and sometimes I fail miserably at being Mother Theresa and Harry thinks I am the devil reborn. The reality is that I am fighting a ghost and I cannot win. It is so sad that I try to keep myself busy with other things, distractions, because if I have any stop time at all my mind thinks about how bad it is and my heart aches with a terrible pain.

I don't have any answers for you and as for me, I just keep hoping that when the day comes that he leaves me, that we can at least part without the need to cause more pain than will already be. I have 2 kids 8 and 11 and this is going to be so hard for them. But they know that things aren't good now and I cry for them too.

I am sending you a bigggggg hug and I wish I had answers but I don't think that there really are any. Sometimes I think that is just the way life goes and it has been a bitter pill for me to swallow in accepting that.

Hang in there. Life will do whatever it will and you are never alone. For me it has been important that I found this place. It helps me to keep from completely falling apart.

With Love,
Cindy