Brandon,

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your loved one. It was very considerate of you to share your story in order to help others. I want you to know that I understand your anger. It sounds like Tony suffered a lot and that had to be excruciating for you as well as he.

I think I also can understand the ambivalence you must have felt. I know with Heather I wanted so desperately for the treatment to work enough for her to go into remission. But it was torture to watch her suffer so much. It was actually me who first asked her if she was ready to stop the chemo. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do because I truly felt there was no hope left of even the slightest remission. Then, after she made the decision to stop, I had to ask her several times if she was sure because I couldn't stand the idea of losing her.

Letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I can not imagine anything that could be worse than telling a loved one that it is okay to let go of life.....except perhaps watching them continue to suffer. I wanted to keep her here, but I also wanted her to be free of the pain and suffering.

I also thought there was more going on than just side effects from surgery and RAD, but the docs didn't think so. They would say they hadn't seen anyone with as many problems as Heather had, but they never even suspected there was another tumor. It's sort of ironic. You were angry because you felt Tony was used as a lab rat. I was angry because Heather wasn't. She was treated the same as any other SCC patient, but she shouldn't have been. She didn't fit the profile and shouldn't have been treated as such. Well, I'm getting way off track. Sorry. I just wanted you to know that I think I understand at least partly how you feel and I am so sorry you and Tony had to go through so much pain. I hope you are able to move toward healing and peace.

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie