I haven't been able to post, but I did get a chance to read all of yours. Thank you so much for the support. It means so much to have other family members, caregivers, and especially people with cancer give their support. I don't want to post some of the things that I post, but I have to. I can't imagine how hard it is for others to read some of this. I need for people to know. I need to share all of this because maybe there is information someone can take away with them that can help them or someone they know.
I just got home from Santa Barbara. I spent the night with my dad every night. I sat with him everyday. He smiled and winked when he could. I talked to him and he nodded. I had to stop his tube feedings because it was causing way too many problems. He was swelling. They couldn't lay him down because he might choke on something coming up. He got diabetes. His residule was always high. He wasn't using the food. The doctor explained that he actually didn't need as much food because he is not as active. The food was making him uncomfortable and sick. I still felt like I was starving him, eventhough I saw the swelling go down, saw his stomach go back to normal, saw the numbers go down. It was still very hard. He is still hanging on. He has his oxygen on his trach, he has his patches on, he is on decadron, ativan, some fluids fo hydration(not much), and dilaudid pump. They told me he would probably go on Saturday. It is Wednesday. I couldn't stop kissing him and telling him that I loved him. It is funny when you tell everyone that you are "ready". It is a lie. I am not ready. I wasn't ready when he first told me he had cancer. I AM READY for him to stop being in pain. I tell myself where he is going there is no cancer, no tumors or pain or confusion. It is a better place.
I have become so attached to his doctors and nurses and palitive care team. The hospital was going to move him the other day (I don't know why you would move someone in that condition with hours to live to have them be uncomfotable all over again in a new place????) to a hospice. I understand hospice. I like it a lot. But I couldn't do it. The hospital didn't need a bed or anything. AND he is getting hospice in the hospital. We couldn't be away from our "team". I love them for what they have done for my dad. How they have treated him will stay with me forever. He came out to California for a reason. I think they were waiting for him.
Well, I had to say goodbye. My dads sister and brother are with him, and will stay until he goes. He is in a coma like state. No pain. I am doing the rest of the stuff from home. Funeral agangements, etc.. I'd rather chew on glass.

Oh yeah, some interesting info-
I did find out that my dad has some viruses just from "living his life". You can have a virus panel done. They did one at Issel's Clinic. He tested positive for two different herpes viruses(there are 16! I didn't know that) and Epstein Bar Virus-from mono. Most people get exposed to this by the time they are 18 months of age. No big whoop. Right? Well this virus has been linked to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Viruses can cause your cells to mutate. Dr. Kim from Issel's Clinic is writing a paper on viruses and cancer. I'll try to get more info. I don't know if there is great significance here with my dad, but I know that it doesn't help your immune system having these. You can restore your immune system. This is key in the fight against cancer. Creating an environment that cancer is not welcome in and/or doesn't thrive in.
When I'm back to my Google-happy self I have a mission. I hope everyone is well. Love always Karen and (Mr. David Allen Bullard) Dad