Swati,

I am so sorry to read the latest news about your father. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, but in the hope that it might help you with your decision, I can offer a few insights from my experience with my daughter Heather. The path she followed with her cancer was somewhat different than your Dad's, but I do see some similarities, so maybe some of what I say will be of some help.

Heather was only 28 when she was diagnosed with SCC of the base of the tongue. She and her husband had a 6 year old daughter and they had just bought their first house, so she had a lot to live for. She was a very strong person and she fought the disease for nearly 14 months with surgery, radiation and chemo.

She was first diagnosed in August 2002. The recurrence was diagnosed in March 2003 and by May her doctors had given up on a cure. They recommended chemo in the hope it would shrink the tumors and give her a little more time, but none of them expected her to survive long. Her condition was severe and she spent 11 weeks in the hospital from early April through late June. Against all odds, she was able to leave the hospital and come home. We set up a hospital bed for her in my living room and a nurse came in once a week to check her vital signs and make sure we were doing everything right.

Heather had severe lockjaw, a tracheostomy, was fed by IV because her digestive system had shut down, was on a constant morphine drip (which only controlled part of the pain) and she was partially paralyzed because the tumor was destroying the vertebrae in her neck. She couldn't talk because of the trach and because of the paralysis, she needed help to do EVERYTHING. The cancer had eaten away a large portion of her neck. She had 2 huge, gaping holes that drained constantly. Even with all this, she kept fighting, but every chemo treatment weakened her more and when the paralysis started to spread, she finally could take no more.

Letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done. I wanted desperately to find a cure, but in my heart, I knew the doctors were right and there was nothing more that could be done. She was so weak and in so much pain that she eventually couldn't even get out of bed to use the bedside commode. We had to resort to adult diapers until she finally let the nurse put in a catheter. She had no quality of life. The only way to keep the pain at bay was to keep her sedated. She couldn't even make an effort to talk to her husband or daughter. She had used a write-on wipe-off board to communicate, but in the last couple weeks, she had stopped using that also. She was in a world of pain, both physically and emotionally.

Once she decided to stop fighting, she lasted only a short time. Her spirit had kept her going, but her body was worn out, so it didn't take long.

I agree with Gary that it is time to call in hospice. Maybe they can help manage your Dad's pain better and they can help you to cope. I wish I could offer you hope for a miracle, and I'm sorry that I can't. Only your Dad can decide if he is ready to stop fighting, but you can let him know that you support his decision, no matter what. If he improves enough to continue chemo or some other treatment, that would be wonderful, but you need to be prepared for the fact that he probably won't. Hospice can help your whole family to deal with this. We should have had hospice come in earlier, but Heather didn't want them. I will be forever grateful that we did finally call them. It was only because the hospice nurse was here that I was able to have one last communication with my daughter.

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you and your family have to go through this and I hope that in some small way, I have been able to help.

Rosie