Donnarose,
I've been reading your posts and I really feel for you. A few 'thoughts'--if anyone had a recipe for 'perfect mother', 'perfect child' etc. they would be millionnaires and we'd ALL be fine!
I cared for my disabled dad whilst mum was in hospital dying and got so frustrated at taking him all the time, then on my 'night off', stupid sister would roll up at hospital with 6 family members in tow! When dad had to be hospitalised himself, I finally drew up a rota, in writing, for visiting! To my surprise it worked, after years of being the 'only one on call'
My partner and I have already decided that when/if I can no longer go out much, visiting will be arranged through HIM and I've got friends, with offers of help lined up, for buying me books, MP3ing music, giving me lifts to treatments etc! Each has their own skill, bless em!
On the food side, dad was always a fussy eater and wasn't into much variety. I cooked up batches of tiny cottage pies with peas and froze them,ditto casseroles and occasionally a meat pie if he could manage it--all spuds mashed, bought him his favourite 'mini-trifles'--they were calories although bad for his heart, so kept his strength up, changed his milk to full-fat--not so good for his heart, but again, more calories, and let him have his tea with 3 sugars--Hydration!
Let Mom eat what she wants--the stress and stuff will be killing her appetite!
And you organise some time that's JUST for you--not for housework or practical stuff--bath, chat on phone to friend, read a book or whatever. Get the family/friends to take over for a while REGULARLY and give yourself some 'recharge' time. I know I couldn't have coped with the 3 years I looked after dad without it.
And NEVER EVER feel 'useless'--Shit happens! You can't stop it and you sound like a wonderful, caring daughter. Take care of yourself love,
Brenda